Hall+of+Fame+7

] ** Jubejube, Firethroat, and erkyperky08 **

Welcome to Your Mystery Story Page 2! Here is a new page to enter your fantastic new opening story lines, paragraphs, and soon full story. ​ This is also the place to post two stars and a wish about the other story staters, paragraphs, and stories you read. ** Two stars are positive things ** you see in the story and **your wish is constructive feedback ** on how to specifically improve the story. So, to recap....which means go over again, post your writing here after you've done some in class editing with your peers and then post it online for the world to see. The other people who are part of your team online, will post 2 stars (positive things) and one wish (constructive feedback to help make the writing better). Be kind, because after all, they will do the same for you!  ​ ​ Note: All stories and comments need to be on this page. Please do not use the discussion area for postings

The Best Day Ever By:Jubejube201 I was playing the game I love. The biggest,loudest football tournament in the whole collage year! This is my first year of collage and the last game I will ever cheer a!

I ran out of the tonal all of my class mates screaming and cheering. Coach said “go get out there.” I ran. My family on the left and friends on the right, and girlfriends in the middle.

I hit the ground harder than ever. I was drowning, not in water but blood my blood. I heard footsteps in the stands. As I slowly sat up, fell back down. I tried again but when I fell this time I caught myself. I looked around, no one was there. Not even the S.W.A.T team or E.M.S.

As I slowly crawled to the tunnel to get up, there were stairs tall stairs. I crawled 1 by 1 up fell down one then up up down. It was the busy N.Y. Streets. I lived on Crestless Hawker Edge, in a beautiful house. I was 21 when that happened. I was born on April,1st 1989. Everyone said my mom was joking when she told them I was born, because i was born on April fools day....”Ahhhhhhhh!” It sounded like my friends Polly and Brooke.

1 star-good opening sentence 1 star-good orginization 1 wish-you could mention what the game is earlier in the story erkyperky08 This message is for whomever wrote the feedback. Please leave your name so that the person knows who you are. Thanks.

Hi JubeJube. One star I have for the writing is is your descriptive sentence about when you were drowning in blood. It lets the readers know immediately that something bad has happened. Another star is for the sentence about hearing footsteps in the stands but then not seeing anyone. One wish for the writing/story is that you proofread more carefully before you post. I don't understand the sentence about your mom, "Everyone said my mom was joking when she old then I was...". That didn't quite make sense and I'm not sure if it helped the story. Keep going. I'd love to read the rest of this piece of your imagination! Mrs. Smith

My Farm By Erkyperky08 It's spring time, the flowers are blooming and the calves are dropping. On my farm we have cows and seed crops as well. It's calving time and this year it's going so well. So far at mid way April we've had around 5 calves die, in some ways that's good and in some ways that's bad. Two of those 5 were from the big snow storm because all the cows and calves went into the corrals and the calves got stepped on. My dad feeds the cows at around 8:30 in the morning and checks them throughout the day. My favourite time of the year is combining because I get to help and take supper to the field. My least favourite is in June because that's show day for 4-H members and I don't really like it.

I am in 4-H beef so I have to tame a cow and every year I pick out the wrong calf and it always kicks. My dad has tied my calf to the barn and it's so my mom thought that it was going to fall over. At show day he usually smartens up, also my calf only turns out trying to kick my dad

We have a house on our farm that is 100 years old, and weIl. were just living in it last year. Now we have a new house and it is way nicer then the old one. If you went into our old house you wouldn't think that we had ever moved out of it, because it still has a lot of things in there. Also I think it's haunted because my great grandpa lived there and got sick before he went to the war and died. That was before I was born though, but I still think the the house is haunted. In our new house we have a walk out basement and as soon as my dad has finished the basement I'm moving down there. In future years my brother and I are going to get a pool table, you know we already have a dart board.

On our farm we have 4 quads, 1 dirt bike, and 1 golf cart. My favourite is either my quad or the golf cart, the golf cart is kind of slow but is really fun.

I have to go out to check cows I would take the quad, but I would always wear my helmet. I am allowed to go where ever I want on the farm, as long as I tell my mom or dad.

I have had some very amazing experiences with some animals since I was born and with my dog. The first thing is a skunk in our chop bin, man it smelt bad I there for a long time. Also when we just got our dog a porky pine came for an unexpected visit. Well my dog thought she'd check it out and got a quill in her nose. When our new house had came and my dad built a deck 11 feet in the air. My dog Jessie fell off of it, she didn't come up onto the deck for a long time.

Over all I think that my farm is a really good and fun place.

Hi Erkyperky! I love your opening sentence because it's unusual for people who aren't farmers; "the flowers are blooming and the calves are dropping". Another star is that you tell the reader lots of interesting things about living on the farm! I especially love your sentence about how you feel the old house is haunted by your great grandpa! I believe that people's spirits or pieces of them linger on our earth too! One wish I have is that you'd organize your paragraphs a bit more. Maybe the paragraph about he 4-H beef could follow the first paragraph as they both talk about calves and cows. This was a very nice story about your home and life on the farm. Thanks for sharing and keep writing! Mrs. Smith

Hi, Erky, I love this biography. I also love living on the farm. I hate June to, I'm try not to bond with my calves this year. 1 star*- You really tell the reader tones of information that is very descriptive. Like the porcupine. 1 star*- I love the part when you tell that the house is haunted! :) 1 wish- Maybe try to organize your paragraphs a bit better like th checking he cows could go in a paragraph with dirt bikes.

Jubejube2010

**The Cow Rodeo ** **By Firethroat2010**  // Bernard Wilson was going to rope first. His horse was fast but the calf he drew was not cooperating! It was jumping and dodging all over the place. It looked like Wilson was frustrated. His time was 15 seconds. That time wasn't going to keep him in the money round! All of a sudden there was a gun shot. Bernard Wilson fell to the ground and was coughing up blood. The next thing we all knew, he passed out! // //The ambulance came rushing in. Everyone was shocked and panicky. I looked around to see if I could find the person who had the gun. But instead, all I found was the gun on the bench. I looked around quickly and saw someone run. I yelled, “stop that person”, as loud as I could but everyone was to shocked To hear me. I started running after the suspect, but he was too fast and my short little legs couldn't keep up. He got away.// //The police showed up moments later with their bullhorn and began escorting everyone out of the building. I went over to a group of policemen and began telling them what I saw. I took them to the bench where the gun was sitting. They took a couple of pictures and then put the gun in a plastic bag for fingerprinting.// // They took the gun back to the police station and tried to run the fingerprints. No matches were found so they called me in for questioning. // //I told them what I had seen; blond hair, a guy wearing a bandana, blue jean pants, a white shirt and a green jacket. They went to work looking for suspects who matched my description. Five suspects were identified. They were all brought in, questioned and fingerprinted. Three of the suspects cooperated very well with the police. The other two needed some convincing. // // The police took some time, but figured out that the criminal was Bernards rodeo opponent who was competing against him for he %50,000.00 title of Best Calf Roper. // // When Bernard recovered, it was discovered that he had a heart problem which made it difficult for him to continue as a roper. He decided to try something new. He took up a new career as a Senior Citizen Helper. //

1 star- Extravagant opening sentence it got me interested right from the begining 1 star- I would like to read some more of this story because it got me interested right from the begining 1 wish- Please put your non de plume I erased it for you from erkyperky08

 Hi. I agree with Erkyperky. Please put your nom de plume under the title so we know who wrote the story. Thanks. One star I have is you have a great opening sentence. I knew immediately that you were at a rodeo and the story would unfold from there. Another star is that you gave me a piece of information about roping by saying that 15 seconds wouldn't get you into the money round. One wish (besides writing your WIKI name) is that you'd proofread all your sentences carefully before posting. I'm not sure about the last sentence in your paragraph. Should that be two sentences? Thanks for writing. Mrs. Smith

The cat that saved my life By:Jubejube2010 The biggest,loudest football tournament in the whole school year! This is my first year of Jr. high and, unfortunately the last game I will ever cheer at! I ran out of the tunnel, all of my classmates screaming and cheering. Coach said, “go get out there.” I ran. My family on the left and friends on the right, and girlfriends in the middle. I hit the ground harder than ever. I was drowning, not in water but blood my blood. I heard footsteps in the stands. As I slowly sat up, fell back down. I tried again but when I fell this time I caught myself. I looked around, no one was there. Not even the S.W.A.T team or E.M.S.   As I slowly crawled to the tunnel to get up, there were stairs tall stairs. I crawled 1 by 1 up fell down one then up up, down. It was the busy N.Y. Streets. I lived on Crestless Hawker Edge, in a beautiful house I was born on April,1 st 1998. Everyone said my mom was joking when she told them I was...”Ahhhhhhhh!” It sounded like my friends Polly and Brooke. I tried to stand up, I could but not for long! Then I heard skid marks and a smell that would burn my nose for life. Something or someone grabbed me and pulled me into a car... we drove away. A garbage man sees and takes the three purses out of the dumpster. He looks at the man driving the garbage truck. The man gives the purses to the F.B.I the ID, is “Polly Bran”, “Brooke Turner” and “Joleen Halley”. As my friend Polly screams and yells at me just to prove her point. “I say we should kill Brooke.” “ What no, why give me one good reason why.” whispered Polly, so Brooke could not here. “Well look at her she has a fever, she can't move and she has absolutely no communication skills.” “ That doesn't matter in a few days you could have all those things and she could be heathier than pineapple.” Everything went silent. A pick ax, hammer and a garden shovel dropped in. I didn't notice QUELCH. As I drop to the ground Brooke crying and Polly in shock, and two 50 year old looking men walking in. “Wow there Brooke we thought they were going to kill you.” “ Grandpa Madge and Grandpa Heck.” I said in amazing shock. “ Polly you wouldn't would you?”cried Brooke. While me and Brooke were fighting, Herman and Phil left. They had just put the lock on the door, but not locked. We both looked at Joleen and the at each other. We knew this could be our chance to escape. So we grabbed our sweaters and we slowly crawled out the door and started to run as hard as we could down the back ally. No stores where open because It was probably Sunday. Then as we turn the last corner before we get to the house there they are Herman and Phil. Brooke screamed as loud as she could but Herman hit her in the head with his cane. I started to cry because I thought she was dead, but she wasn't. They loaded us into thier truck Brooke lying on the seat, and me banging as hard as I could on the window. Screaming as loud as I could to maybe get one of the neighborhood kids to notice me. Nothing, nothing worked at all. As I was sitting down watching as Carol, Maxi, Dan and Cyclist play basketball on Timmy's hoop, I notice something shoved in the window sill It was a piece of juicy fruit gum. OH MY GOSH! Should I share it with Brooke, should I hog It to myself I stuffed In in my pocket and didn't tell anyone. __**1 week later**__ “ I want out, right now. This is your fault,” cried Brooke “ What, my fault, what did I do to get us in this mess?” I said in a mad voice. “ Yeah your the one who made us go to your stupid cheer leading thing.” “ I'm sorry, O.K. I didn't know this was going to happen.” Huh, no food no shower no love, only from Brooke. As I wake up look around to see what has changed..... nothing. But I see Brooke, did she do this, did they? Its about a week after Brooke's death. It's starting to stink, 2 dead bodies and me with no shower, for maybe 1-2 months. Every other day I get 3 mints from Boston Pizza. As I take Joleens sweater of something falls out. It's a pack of EXEL gum and a big box of nerds. Herman came storming in with a bucket of water and a wash cloth. “Wash up” he said in a dark mean voice. I asked him if I could keep the water, he agreed. I just wanted to drink it and it might sound gross but I think it tastes fine. They pulled out Joleen and Brooke today. “No.” I screamed. I need some company. No food no shower no love. I used Joleens sweater as a pillow and Brooke's shorts and shirts for laying on and her sweater for a pillow. Bang, bang,bang... “Is anyone there?” “ Yes,yes there is, Polly Bran!!” “ Well thats nice.” I new it was Phil and Herman. I started to cry. I wanted my mom, brother and dad. Imagine being 12 years old trapped in a cold basement type thing with no protection. The next day something came crashing the door it was a big brown paper bag. I turned around and I was a Arby's bag. With curly fries, poutine, cheeseburger some mints, wet ones and a XL coke. I started to cry not that sad or anything that maybe I will stay alive longer. Why were they doing this to me did they really still love me ? Well this is why I think they took me, my mom and dad split up a year ago. My mom hated my dads dad...Aka my grandpa. So she would only see him when she had to. Now I think my grandpa wants to have more time with me. If he didn't love me, wouldn't have given me the Arby's and the water and cloth. For the first time in along time, I thought what if I banged on the door and did my magic. I banged on the door as hard as I could. Herman came to the door... “What do ya want?” “ I want out grumps, I love you and I want to spend more time with you!” I said sucking up. “ Finally after five months, you finally figured it out.” I ran and gave him a hug, he burnt me with his cigar but I didn't care. Now as he went inside to grab us some Popsicles and I guess Phil moved back to his house. I knew this would be my final and last escape. If he caught me he would probably take me back and kill me. I saw a cat turn the corner he was my only escape plan. I followed the cat around the corner and then saw downtown. I ran as fast as I could down the ally, behind me I heard the truck door slam and the beat up old ford start up. I ran even faster, then everything went slow motion and I hit the ground. I heard my mom screaming and dad crying. All I remember was being carried on a stretcher into an ambulance and than on a hospital bed. The doctors soon after told me that I had passed out, because I had not had much food in the past five months, and I had no energy except for a little, and running that fast wasted all my energy. Its almost like I died then became alive again! “ Oh momma, I love you and I will never ever talk or think about grandpa again.” “ Darling, who,what..who was it.” My mom said in a soft clear voice. “ Momma it was..was....” “ If you tell anyone I will kill myself.” I remember Herman saying to me at the very beginning. “ was...was... grandpa...Herman.” My dad ran out of the hospital. “ Momma, what is dad doing?” “ Hunny, I really don't know .” “ I do,” said constable James. He ran and jumped in the car and sped away. He stopped at grandpa's house. Got a barb wire tightener and started wailing on Herman. Grandpa was screaming like a girl. James ran up to him and was yelling “stop sir stop.” Dad was charged with assault and was fined 500 dollars. Constable James came back and told me what happened. He had dad in cuffs just so he could see me before he had to go. “ Polly where are the other girls?” said my mom in a scared shaky voice. “ Grandpa told us we had to kill I person for him to let us go...and as me and Joleen were talking Brooke came up behind J and hit her on the head with a pick ax.” They made me tell them every little move I made and everything I said to them and in the end Herman .Edger. Widdlestills Heck was charged with a life time period in jail. That was 4 years ago, and I'm 16 now. I have my license and am a great driver! I still get thousands of emails a day hundreds of phone calls a day and millions of interviews...all over the world. We moved to the great country of the hand hills, Alberta. My mom and dad had a baby boy they named him Cade .James. Bran. James was the officer that saved me and he passed away and we are all very sad. I love my new school. Its called Delia, Its amazing. The staff rocks and the principle rocks. I really hope Cade grows up not to know about any of this, and also my children. In memory of James. A. Cooper. A hard working detective. 1943 - 2010