Hall+of+Fame+8


 * Roxy Girl, Prairie Don, and MNABuster **

Welcome to Your Mystery Story Page 2! Here is a new page to enter your fantastic new opening story lines, paragraphs, and soon full story. ​ This is also the place to post two stars and a wish about the other story staters, paragraphs, and stories you read. ** Two stars are positive things ** you see in the story and **your wish is constructive feedback ** on how to specifically improve the story. So, to recap....which means go over again, post your writing here after you've done some in class editing with your peers and then post it online for the world to see. The other people who are part of your team online, will post 2 stars (positive things) and one wish (constructive feedback to help make the writing better). Be kind, because after all, they will do the same for you!  ​ ​ Note: All stories and comments need to be on this page. Please do not use the discussion area for postings

All the kids were screaming and crying, as they were pushed away from their families and forced to board the train by men dressed in uniforms. - MNABuster.

MNABuster-you have a very good start to mystery,and you have lots of detail. Maybe more detailed about the men,and the uniforms.-PrairieDon.

Hi MNABuster I Liked your ideas and I also liked your punctuation. My one wish is to add more detail to the end.

Hi MNABuster. You have a good beginning for a story. Keep going! Mrs.Smith

Taking Action

All the kids were screaming and crying, as they were pushed away from their families and forced to board the train by men dressed in uniforms. The men were evacuating the city due to some strange killing with over 200 people dead. Megan, at age 12 was a mischievous kid and in her mind Daniel was her soul mate. With these strange men pushing her toward the train she decided on the spot that she didn't want to get on the train, she bolted away from the peculiar men, pushed and shoved through the crowd of kids. Out of the corner of her eye she spotted Daniel and decided to rescue him from the men who were pulling him toward the train, she grabbed his hand and continued on racing toward the front door, quickly Megan realized that the front door to the train station would be guarded by men, she turned on her heels nearly pulling Daniel to the floor in the process. With a little memory from when she was four, she remembered there was a little passage on the other side of the building, through the crowd of kids crying and screaming for their families, Megan and Daniel scrambled through the secret compartment she had found when she was younger, both of them fell to the floor gasping for breath, they had escaped from the mean men, who were trying to force the kids on a train heading for somewhere unknown for the children. “Thud!” “Thud!” went the combat boots the men were wearing “get all the children, the train is leaving now!” screamed someone over the whistles coming from train. Megan and Daniel both held their breath as the men passed the secret compartment, hoping that no one would notice the tiny compartment which the two kids were hiding in. Exhausted from running at top speed from the men in combat boots, Megan fell asleep next to Daniel. They both awoke in complete silence, there were no more screaming kids, and no more “thud!” “thud!” of the men's combat boots. Silently they moved through the tiny path to the wide open and deserted station, Daniel followed Megan along the wall when he tripped over his own feet. “Snap!” Daniel's ankle went as he braced himself to hit the stone floor, but Megan had extremely quick reflexes and caught Daniel Before he tumbled to the floor “Stupid! Stupid! Feet” cursed Daniel, “I believe I sprained my ankle” Megan thought on her feet the adults would be leaving the city later on tonight, they would be severely punished if they were caught here still at the train station and would be forced to ride a train full of adults that would be torture to Megan and Daniel. “Grab my neck and I will carry you to a hiding place I only know about!” Megan barked at Daniel to follow her orders. With Daniel in her arms she began to run her fastest with about 10 blocks to her secret hiding place, by the time they reach the hiding place Daniel was sleep in her arms snoring quietly like little baby. Megan laid Daniel gently on her tiny bed which she had made for herself when she was younger, a flood of memories came back to her from the times she had spent in the shelter with friends and then horrible memories of her mother in the hospital with the lifeless body on the bed after fighting a battle with bone cancer which she had lost the battle almost three years ago. Quietly she trace her fingers along all her mother's jewelery, tears swelled up in her eyes and Megan decided she needed to rest for awhile, Megan grabbed some blankets her mother had made when she was sitting in her special rocker and slowly drifted to sleep dreaming about her long lost mother. Daniel stirred in his bed ,rolled over and toppled of the bed to awake Megan sleeping on the floor next to the bed, Megan suddenly awoken jumped up and was ready to kick Daniel in the stomach. “It's just me!” screamed Daniel who was ready to feel pain in his stomach any minute, “Oops sorry reflexes took over” apologized Megan feeling very embarrassed about how she had reacted. “Hey Megan do you want to go see if we can find any food? ,I'm famished” asked Daniel “sure, but I don't think there will be any stores or restaurants that are open” replied Megan “well! there is no one left in the city I'm sure I can get us in” smirked Daniel “Oh yeah!” Megan replied while nodding her head. They raced each other to the nearest ESSO which was 12 blocks away, when they arrived at the store it was locked at all the doors with no possible way in. “Hey!” yelled Daniel just loud enough for Megan to hear “What?”asked Megan while jogging toward Daniel “I found a way in, follow me” Daniel told Megan. Daniel lead Megan through the opening in the siding of the store, it was pitch black as they made their way through the store to find the lights located at the front desk, when Daniel turned the switch then the lights flickered and turned on. Daniel turned to the food section of the store and walk ahead of Megan by a little bit, he turned the corner to a aisle “Wolf!” yelped Daniel racing toward Megan at the last second he jumped into Megan's arms. “Run! Before he rips our limps apart one at a time!” Daniel screamed in Megan's ear and before she started to run a wolf turned the corner snarling, teeth barred and ready to attack them. Megan bolted toward the front desk threw Daniel up on top of the desk, grabbed the shovel beside the desk and was ready for a fight. The wolf snarled then barreled toward Megan, she tried her best to defend herself, but the huge Wolf overpowered her and threw Megan into a bookshelf. Daniel jumped off the desk and raced toward Megan. “Owwwwwwwwww!” Moaned Megan, he knew she could not fight any more so he grabbed the shovel out of her hands and bolted to where the wolf had fled to,he turned the same aisle, saw the wolf towering over something, the small balls of fur yelped a little when the wolf moved to face Daniel. In the time that had passed Megan had slowly rose from the floor and stumbled toward the aisle that Daniel was in, she turned and gasped Daniel was petting the wolf and small balls of fur squirming around the little bed that the mama wolf must have made. “Are you okay?” asked Daniel concerned “Yes, just a little sore”replied Megan “you know that the mama wolf was just protecting her babies” stated Daniel “Yes I do understand that part but what are we going to do with them we just can't leave them here” asked Megan “Oh, why don't we take them with us to the shelter and we can take lots of bags, fill them with food for us and the wolves”. They both grabbed lots bags stuffed them full of food for themselves and for the wolves, they also gathered water bottles, blankets, and toys for the wolf pups. Daniel and Megan gathered the bags, put the wolf puppies in a box which they put in a wagon, turned out the lights, went out the side of the building and walked to their so called home. Five days later Daniel was out exploring the city when he heard gunshots in the distance and raced back to tell Megan, when she heard the news she told Daniel “we must hurry and gather as much food and water as possible before the men come with guns to make sure no one is left in the city” Daniel didn't say a word as they hurried toward the store, they slipped through the siding and began the normal hunt for food, but this time they collected more food and water then before. They quickly moved along the street slipping in and out of the shadows, when they arrived home they stored the food no one had spoke a word to each other in the passed two days. The wolf pups grew each and everyday growing more rough, aggressive and quicker. The kids had been there for more then a month and had grown tired of each other. One night Megan was drifting to sleep when she heard gunshots, closer then before What should they do should they move to a new shelter, hide or just revel themselves and go to see their families and take the wolves with them? What should they do.?

Hi MNABuster. Wow! You are well on your way with this story. One star I have for the writing is that you use phrases that make your sentences interesting. A few examples are, "a flood of memories came back to her", "she bolted away from the peculiar men," and "They quickly moved along the street slipping in and out of the shadows". Another star I have is that your writing lets the readers know that the girl Megan is an orphan but strong and ready to do whatever it takes to save herself and her friends. A wish I have for your writing is that you would allude to why the men are taking the children away earlier on in the beginning of the story or add a few hints as to why that is happening. I know they are soldiers as you've let us know they wear boots! I'll sneak in another wish as I know you can do this easily. Please organize your story in paragraphs. It makes it much easier to read online. Thanks. Mrs. Smith

Hi MNABuster. I really enjoyed reading your story. My 1 star is you used very well descriptive words(famished).My other star is that you delivered your story really well.My only wish is that you try to stay pastence or present. PriarieDon.

Hi MNABuster One of my stars is you Show rather than tell And,that will make the reader more interested in your story Example-They quickly moved along the street slipping in and out of the shadows. My other star is you have very good punctuation. My wish would be that you keep writing your story so that I can read the rest of it. - Roxygirl

By Roxygirl Why did this happen?Why? Suddenly I woke up, I was dreaming, But it felt so real. I was dreaming about my sister, she was lying in a hospital bed,and I was sitting in a corner crying. Thats all I could remember anyway. I looked over to my alarm clock it was 3:00am. I tried going back to sleep,but I just couldn't. Something was bothering me, but I didn't know what it was.

Hi Roxygirl You have a great story as in you put a lot of words that help to show rather than tell.It sounds like you are going to have an awesome mystery,maybe you could have some more detail into the description on the night mare. -PrairieDon

Hi RoxyGirl! A star is for the foreshadowing you used to let us know something isn't right..."Something was bothering me, but I didn't know what it was". That lets me the reader know something isn't right and perhaps it does have something to do with her sister. A wish I have is that you'd keep writing this story and finish it so we can read it. Thanks. Mrs. Smith

Nightmares by PrairieDon **Walking through the darkness, the tree leafs brushing my cold bare arms. “Were am I” I thought out loud, my voice echoed in the lonely night. After what felt like an hour, I saw a shape. I couldn't make out what it was, but it was not a person! As I got closer I reliesd it was a house. It must have been abandoned, so I crawled in a hole in the wall. I put my pack down. Then put my head on the pack, and fell into a deep an much needed sleep. I was startled by a loud “ Creak.” I laid there frozen not knowing what to do. Something had been lifted into the air. It glistened in the moon light. The shape curved like a claw, little spikes poked out sharp as knifes. A skull was engraved into the curve. I looked to the right, a man was holding the curved object high in the air. He had short dark hair,blood shot eyes,and vanes that pumped out of his hand. Suddenly it was black, what had happened?Was I died? A million questions filled my head. “Hello,hello,hello are you OK”asked an unfamiliar voice. I opened my eyes to my horror there was animal heads all over the walls. Were was I.**

**Hi, I'm not sure who wrote the above story. Please add a title and name. Thanks.** A star I have for this story is that it is pretty scary right away. It made me want to read it to find out if the kid was going to be alright even though he's in a spooky house with a man holding a knife over him. Another star is that you let us know he may be ok as the unfamiliar voice asks him if he'll be ok. Usually people who are going to kill you don't ask that, so I felt hopeful! A wish I have for you is to finish the story! Mrs.Smith

** Hi PrairieDon my two Stars are that you have good punctuation and that and you kept the readers attention. My one wish is that you could tell where the setting takes place. - MNABuster2010 **

Hi PrairieDon

One of my stars is that you showed rather than told to keep the readers attention. My other star is that you put a lot of descriptive words in to your story like glistened. My one wish is that you keep writing your story so I can read the rest.- RoxyGirl

The Week My Nightmare Came True And My Sister Died. By Roxy girl Why did this happen? Why? Suddenly I woke up, I was dreaming, but it felt real. I was dreaming about my sister Ashley, she was lying in the hospital bed, and I was sitting in a corner crying. That’s all I could remember anyway. I looked over to my alarm clock it was 3:00am. I tried going back to sleep, but I just couldn't. Something was bothering me, but I didn't know what it was.

I went downstairs to get something to eat. Then I went back upstairs to try and get some sleep. I finally fell asleep, I started dreaming about Ashley again. I walked over to her. I was saying goodbye to her. “Why would I say goodbye?”I thought to myself. I kept dreaming I went, and sat back over in the corner crying again. Why would I say goodbye if I'm not leaving. I kept on dreaming again, now I was saying. “Why do you have to leave us?”Then I woke up, and my stomach was hurting. I heard a scream it sounded like Ashley. Then I heard the door slam shut, and the car pulling out of the drive way! “What was happening?” I asked myself. Who had left? I ran to my mom's room, she wasn't there! I ran to Ashley’s room, I ran inside, but she wasn't there either! I ran downstairs. There was a note on the table. It said Sorry to leave you at home by yourself, but I have to take Ashley to the hospital, it’s a BIG EMERGENCY!

Why is she in the hospital? What happened to her? I was wondering as I ran outside.

I picked up my bike, and started peddling as fast as I could to the hospital. I was getting very tired ,and my legs were starting to hurt, I could just see the hospital. I finally got there I dropped my bike on the ground. I could barely run, but I was trying. I ran into the hospital I was out of breath. I asked the lady at the desk were my mom Sarah was. She said that they just went into emergency. I ran down the hall I stopped at the end of the hall, and looked left, down the hall. There was the emergency room, I ran inside there was nobody in there except Ashley. She was lying in the hospital bed barely breathing. I walked over to her, and then my mom walked in crying. I asked her what was wrong with Ashley. She said that she was dying! At that point my mom ran out of the room. I walked back over to Ashley and said goodbye.

Then I went over to the corner sat down and started crying. I walked back over to her, and said Why Do You Have To Leave Us? She didn't reply. I thought to myself this is just like the nightmare I had, this very night!

Why was she dying? Who made her have to die? A million questions came into my head! Who would do such a thing? Does she have a disease? Did she have a heart attack? My stomach was hurting even more then before! I fell to the ground. Next thing I knew I was in the hospital bed next to Ashley. My mom was sitting in the middle of both beds sleeping. I looked at her she woke up, and ran over to me and gave me a hug. She asked me if I was okay. I said I was. We walked down to the hospitals cafeteria. We got something to eat, and took it back to the room we were in. I ate my food, and both I and my mom went to sleep. When I woke up there were doctors standing around Ashley’s bed. It didn't look like she was breathing. I jumped up out of the bed and ran over to her. She was breathing, but just barely. The doctors were crowding around talking about what may have made her start to die. She was screaming, the doctors were trying to calm her down, to see why she was screaming. My mom woke up, and ran over to Ashley’s bed as well. She asked the doctors why she wasn't breathing properly. They said that they didn't know why. By now my mom was crying. The doctors said they would give her some tests in the morning. I went back to the bed, and layed down. I tried to go to sleep, but I was too worried about Ashley.

What if she died! What would happen to mom, and me.

I looked over to Ashley, she was still screaming, and crying, and the some of the doctors had left. My mom wasn't in the room either. By now all the doctors had left, and it was just me, and Ashley. The doctors must have gone to supper, and my mom probably went too. I got up, and headed for the door. Ashley stopped screaming, and opened her eyes. She called my name, and I hurried over to her. She asked me where I was going, I told her I was going to the cafeteria. She asked me if I would get her something to eat. I said I would, and started to slowly walk away. I walked down the long hallway. There was no one in sight. “They must all be in the cafeteria.” I thought to myself I kept walking but, I was going a bit faster now. It felt like someone was following me, but there was no one in sight. I finally saw the doors to the cafeteria, I walked in. There were doctors everywhere, I saw my mom she was waiting in line to get her food. I ran all the way over to her. I stood in line to get my food, with her. My mom asked why I had two dishes, I said one was for Ashley. We got our food, and walked back to room. When I opened the door, Ashley wasn't there. We both looked all over the room for her, she wasn't there. I ran into the hallway, and asked one of the doctors that was standing there where a girl named Ashley is. He said she was in the testing room. I ran back into our room, and told my mom where she was. Then we both walked over to the testing room. Sure enough there she was lying on the bed.

When she was done her testing, they said they couldn't find anything wrong with her.

So we all walked back to our room together. We had a long sleep, and in the morning we woke up, and Ashley was gone!!!! We walked down to the testing room, she wasn't there. I asked the nurse that was sitting at the secretary desk, were Ashley was. She said that she was in the laboratory. I walked down the long hallway, and at the end of the hall was the laboratory. I walked in and there was Samantha, lying on the bed NOT BREATHING!!!!!!! I asked the doctors what happened. They said, “She started screaming in the middle of the night, and would not stop. Then finally she just stopped breathing, and hasn't breathed since.” Said one of the doctors. I ran back to our room, my mom was already there sitting in the chair crying. I asked her if she knew, she nodded her head yes. We just sat there for awhile, and then we went home. When I went to bed that night I thought how we still didn’t know what had killed Ashley! I was still thinking about that the next day at Ashley’s funeral.

The End

Hi Roxygirl I really enjoyed reading your story,my 2 stars are you made the story very interesting with the words and detail you put in.Also you did a great job showing the emotions that the person is feeling. My one wish is that maybe you could work on showing rather than telling. PriarieDon2010

**THE NIGHT NIGHTMARES CAME TRUE By PrairieDon2010** //**My stomach lurched as I spotted the animal heads again. I tried to sneak away but the bed creaked. The man awoke and grabbed me by the the neck. I tried to scream but nothing came out.**// //**I tried to gasp for air,but his grasp was too tight. Suddenly, out of instinct I bit down on his dirt covered hand. He let out a cry of pain, and let go of me.**// //**As I was running down the long dirt road, I could hear the mans screaming and cursing. After a mile I could see the lights of the city, glaring at me. It had been so long since I last saw the city lights in the orphanage the days were long,dark and boring.**// //**As I got closer I could hear the subway trains racing down the track. They sounded like a herd of wild buffalo running away from nativities. But to the city folk it would sound like a train.**// //**I had been an orphan since I was 12, I'm 15 now and the thoughts of my family still haunts me. (Because I got the news at the orphanage that my family had been killed. When they where driving they got car jacked and every one was rushed to hospital because the man that car jacked stabbed each one twice. Also that my mom,brother and sister died at hospital but my dad might have been still alive. So everyone in my family had died two years ago.) As I was desperately looking for a place to sleep,I saw an old friend from school.**// “ //**Hey Lexy!” I called from the dark.**// “ //**Hey Tracy!” Lexy called back. We talked for about 10 minutes,then she asked where I'd been for the past 3 years. I told her about my family and then I told her that I ran away and finally then about the man.**// //**She took me to her house to wash up. I told Lexy more about the strange man. Lexy said that my father was not dead, but in the forest working as a huntsman, because he needed the extra money ,so he moved into the woods to become a huntsman She said that the strange man might be my dad, but I told her that my whole family was dead.**// //**After three days of food and sleep Lexy and I went to the strange man's house. Lexy knocked at the door (because she knew the man that lived there because her mom went out every day to go and get animal furs for her animal fur rugs.)**// //**When the man opened the door this is what he said. “Lexy is that you. You have grown since Tracy was in school with you. Who's your friend?”**// “ //**Well this is Tracy BlackStorm”**// “ //**You mean as in my daughter, Tracy BlackStorm”**// “ //**Lexy what is he talking about my family is dead,” I told her.**// “ //**If you are the Tracy BlackStorm your family isn't all dead because I'm Mr. BlackStorm, or Zack BlackStorm,” said my maybe dad.**// “ //**But,but,but” I stammered.**// “ //**If he is my dad he has a lot more facial hair then what he liked on his face” I whispered to Lexy.**// “ //**Tracy I think he might be your dad,” Lexy stated as if I had just came into the conversation. I was so confused,maybe this man is my father and maybe he isn't. Lexy could tell how confused I was so she asked if I would like to take a DNA test to make it confirmed that Zack BlackStorm is in fact my dad.**// //**I was a little worried about the idea but Lexy and Zack both agreed on the test, so I also said yes. Zack had a fancy black and red striped mustang car the went really fast and the seats felt and smelled like my dads old car,but this can't be his car,could it?**// //**Once we got to the testing lab the doctor brought out two long pointy needles,that glinted in the dim lighted room. I must have passed out a the sight of the needles because when I woke up the doctor was talking to Zack and said “You Zack BlackStorm and her Tracy BlackStorm are most definitely family” When the doctor finished talking Lexy stated to cry happy tears.**// //**After that night I went to school and every thing was back to normal,except that me and my dad lived in the woods.**//
 * Walking through the darkness, the tree leafs brushing my cold bare arms. “Where am I” I thought out loud, my voice echoed in the lonely night.**
 * After what felt like an hour, I saw a shape. I couldn't make out what it was, but it was not a person! As I got closer I reliesd it was a house.**
 * It must have been abandoned, so I crawled in a hole in the wall. I put my pack down. Then put my head on the pack, and fell into a deep an much needed sleep.**
 * I was startled by a loud, “ Creak.” I laid there frozen not knowing what to do. Something had been lifted into the air. It glistened in the moon light. The shape curved like a claw, little spikes poked out sharp as knifes.**
 * A skull was engraved into the curve. I looked to the right, a man was holding the curved object high in the air. He had short dark hair,blood shot eyes,and veins that pumped out of his hand.**
 * Suddenly, it was black. What had happened?Was I dead? A million questions filled my head. “Hello,hello,hello are you OK,”asked an unfamiliar voice.**
 * I opened my eyes to my horror there was animal heads all over the walls. Where was I.** // **I could** // // **feel the heat of the fire,and the fur blanket. There was a odd looking man snoring on a genuine leather couch. Looking around I could tell I was in a small huntsmen tent.** //