MysteryRoom2


 * Hi FireFly, CommanderAce and Kraft.dinner05! **

Welcome to Your Mystery Story Page! This is the sweet spot to post your best effort at writing a mystery! This is also the place to post two stars and a wish about the other stories you read. **Two stars are positive things** you see in the story and **your wish is constructive feedback ** on how to specifically improve the story. So, to recap....which means go over again, post your story here after you've done some in class editing with your peers and then post it online for the world to see. The other people who are part of your team online, will post 2 stars (positive things) and one wish (constructive feedback to help make the story better). Be kind, because after all, they will do the same for you!

This is my story __**WHO?**__ By
 * Fire Fly**

I was walking down the street on my way to my mom's friends Mrs. Maria house. I was going to help her with some chores when, “OH...MY...GOSH” I heard a holler that sounded like a girl from Mr. Blacks house. I ran down a block and saw a dark haired man wearing jeans and a green T-shirt on his knees sobbing. It was Mr. Black. "My house" he cried, "t's covered in...pur....purple hands...” He noticed me standing there and wiped his tears, “and the worst part of it is, that it isn't even a full hand.” “ Was that you who let out that holler,” I asked. I didn't want to mention that I thought that he was a girl when he holler in front of Mr. Black. He might take it the wrong way.

Nearby three girls were playing in the park. One was wearing a beautiful sun dress her name was Kelly. Kelly was painting with purple. Sara was wearing jean shorts and a tank top. She was painting with green and, Mia who was wearing jeans and a T-shirt was painting with the same colour as Kelly except she was missing an entire finger.

__**Solution**__

Mia is the suspect because she was painting with purple and was missing an entire finger for example Mr. Black' said “and the worst part of it is that it isn't even a full hand.”

Hi Fire Fly! One star I have for your writing is it is well organized and follows a logical path. Another star I have is that you used a bit of humour when talking about Mr. Black's hollering. One wish I have for the story is that you would have added more of a plot to make the reader work at guessing who the culprit was. Sometimes mystery stories use "red herrings" to lead you down a wrong path; leaving lots of clues so you think it's someone else, not the real culprit. Thanks for sharing! Mrs.Smith

“ Hey Lea come over here look at this” Mimi shouted. “ Coming” I called back. “ //What would she want now ,“// I thought. As I crossed through the alley to see what she was whining about, I saw what looked like a blob of color. I soon realized that it was old man Joe's car.“Who would do that?” I could barely say the words. Then I spotted one of Mimi's bracelets,“Hey isn't this your 's” I called. She quickly spun around and snatched it from my hands “I found it by the wheel”. “ I have to go I have lot's of homework,” she stammered she started racing away. “ We didn't have homework” I called back. I was all alone in the courtyard when I thought I might look around. I was heading down to Ed's house. He didn't like old man Joe. He thought old man Joe was crazy. When I got there I looked around. “Hey Ed”, I called. “Did you know that old man Joe's car was trashed today. I thought you might have something to do with it” I said. “ I wasn't anywhere near that courtyard,”he screamed angrily. So I went back to the courtyard and looked around. It was soundless. **CRASH!! I** quickly twisted around. I saw old man Joe limping towards me shrieking “ Get out of here”!! He started limping over to me faster I put me hands over my head and mumbled “I know who did it”! He stood there in a stand still and for about thirty seconds. It was silent he stood there looking at me and then said “you didn't trash my car?” “ No” I replied.
 * The Unfortunate by Commander Ace**

Solution: The person who actually did it was,: Ed because when Lea asked if he vandalized the car, he said he wasn't anywhere near the courtyard. Lea didn't mention the courtyard. It may have looked like Mimi did it but Mimi lost her bracelet before Lea came to check. When Mimi was stammering she might not have wanted to be accused of the vandalism.

Hi Commander Ace. One star I have for your writing is that the solution is clever. Another star I have for your writing is that you choose good word choices to make your sentences interesting. (As I crossed the alley, she stammered). One wish I have for the writing is to double check and proofread carefully - He started limping over to me faster I put me hands over my head and mumbled “I know who did it”! This is actually two sentences in one and I had to read it twice to make sure I knew who was talking. Thanks for sharing  Mrs. Smith

Hi Commander Ace I wouldn't have guess it was Ed, very tricky.1 wish miner mistakes.

Firefly

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