Hall+of+Fame+2

Welcome to Your Mystery Story Page 2! Here is a new page to enter your fantastic new opening story lines, paragraphs, and soon full story. ​ This is also the place to post two stars and a wish about the other story staters, paragraphs, and stories you read. ** Two stars are positive things ** you see in the story and **your wish is constructive feedback ** on how to specifically improve the story. So, to recap....which means go over again, post your writing here after you've done some in class editing with your peers and then post it online for the world to see. The other people who are part of your team online, will post 2 stars (positive things) and one wish (constructive feedback to help make the writing better). Be kind, because after all, they will do the same for you!  ​ ​  Note: All stories and comments need to be on this page. Please do not use the discussion area for postings
 * Fire Fly, Commander Ace, and Kraft.dinner05 **

“ Ahh” I sighed. “What a wonderful day”. The sun was shinning in the sky, guarded by a beautiful frame of blue. I could see dark rain clouds blowing my way. I knew I had about 20 to 30 minutes until the rain arrived. I laid on the ground while the over grown grass brushed my short silky brown hair. **SNAP**!!! My head quickly turned to the woods. By Firefly

Firefly 2 stars- good descriptive word and would like to read more 1 wish- why would you lay on the grass, but other wise great story. KD

Hi Firefly. I love the way you set the scene for something to happen. You start off with a wonderful day...I can feel the sun shining in the big blue sky and then the foreshadowing of dark clouds bringing something not great. Another star is the use of the word SNAP! That's called onomatopoeia and it adds to the texture of the story; I can hear the sound! One wish is that you'd continue on and finish the story! Mrs.S

Yo firefly 2 stars - I think it was really descriptive especially one of the first sentences was great guarded by a beautiful frame of blue. 1 wish- **KEEP MAKING the storie it's really good . commander ace**

Hi Firefly - I loved how you used descriptive words to explain a common sight, like the blue sky, by stating, "gaurde by a beautiful frame of blue." I also like how you added mystery to your story, and set it up for the conflict and solution to come. My wish is that you finish your story, so that I can read it. - Mrs. Eitzen

April 20 By kraft.dinner05 It was time for school. The bell rang, louder than before, I was curious. So I sat down in my cold desk. Our teacher wasn't there. I knew that something was wrong, but I didn't know what. So our class went to see the principal he wasn't there. Our class was freaked out. We decided to go back to the class room. We thought since we didn't have a teacher we didn't have to work so we played. When the bell rang to go home it as louder again. I was creped out. When I got on the bus. I asked my older sister if she herd the bell and if she thought it was than the other days. She said” Yes, and she asked me if today was April 20 so I said yes. She freaked out, I asked her why she was freaking out and she said that “On April 20 all the teachers disappear”. “What do you mean all the teacher disappear?” “ I mean ALL the teachers disappear”. Who. What. Where. When. Why. When I got of the bus I wondered why this would happen on April 20. So I did some research and it said that on April 20 all teachers disappear because an evil spirit takes them and holds them for two days. When I found this out I freaked out. When it was school again the bell rang louder. Since we didn't have a teacher I tried to find the spirit I heard some thing and it wasn't the other kids. Then I saw something it looked like a person but then it quickly went away. I was freaked out. Then it said that the only reason why I take the teachers is because they always give me a DT. When I heard this I shouted “ why did the teachers give you a DT?” cause I was bad” Well then you should get a DT” Well I guess I never thought about it that way” Exactly so will you still keep taking the teachers?” No I guess not” Okay thats good thanks” No problem” The bell rang but it wasn't time for recess, home time or to change classes. So we didn't know what was going, but after the bell rang the teacher came into the class room. The principal was back in his big office. “I did it” I said to myself I saved the day. I was extremely happy.

Hi KraftDinner! One star I have for your writing is that I wanted to find out why all the teachers disappeared. Another star I have for your writing is your opening sentence. It was obvious that something was out of the ordinary as the bell rang louder than before and your desk was cold. A wish I have is that you try and use other words besides freaked out. Sometimes overuse of word lessens it's impact. That means I didn't pay attention after the first few times you used it. Instead of saying freaked out, have your character act out in ways that show she is scared. What would that look like? What would she say or do? Mrs. S.

Hi Kraft Dinner you have a awesome story that spirit is really creative 1 wish- Please explain how the spirit can get DT if he's a spirit.

FireFly

Hi kraft dinner 2 stars- Like firefly said the ghost was very creative. I liked your begining sentences 1 wish- explain how a spirit can get DT.

Hi Kraft Dinner - I really enjoyed your story. It had an interestin plot line. I liked how you explained why the teachers went missing on April 20th. I also like that you saved the teachers. (Thank you!). My one wish is that you build up more of the suspense of why the teachers went missing, and who and why the spirit is unhappy with teachers. - Mrs. Eitzen

The time Keeper By Commander Ace The man's bloodshot eye's quickly shot where I was hiding. I crouched down lower behind the bush where I was. He grinned and walked towards the bush. I shot out of the bush the man grinned the grin looked as if it couldn't fit on his face. His pale skin seemed to dissolve in the moonlight and reappear closer as I ran away. I tripped I opened my eye's and his eye's were boring into mine he grinned.

Commander Ace 2 stars- i like the part were you wrote "The grin looked as if it couldn't fit on his face" because it grabs my attention and good descriptive words 1 wish- i would like to read more. You have a very good story otherwise. KD

Hi Commander Ace. One star is for your description of the man. I get a real image of what he looks like and yes, he looks scary! Another star is your opening sentence. I quickly got the eridea that you were hiding and I began to wonder why his eyes were bloodshot and looking at you so intently and why you were hiding from him. A wish I have for you is to finish this story as it has a good beginning! Mrs. S

Hi Commander Ace good description. So far I think this could become a very good story. 1wish I would like you to finish reading the story Firefly

Hi Commander Ace - I enjoyed reading your opening paragraph. I like how you used descriptive phrases to show rather than tell, such as, the grin looked as if it couldn't fit on his face. I like how you built up the mystery of the story in the opening paragraph. I hope that you finish it soon, so that I can continue reading it. - Mrs. Eitzen

=**Gone** = = = By Firefly

====“Ahh ”  I sighed “ what a wonderful day! ”  the sun was shining in the sky guarded by a beautiful frame of blue. I could see dark rain clouds blowing my way. I knew I had about 20 to 30 minutes till the storm arrived. I laid on the ground while the over grown grass brushed my short silky brown hair. SNAP! My head quickly turned to the woods. ====

==== My heart was pounding so hard it was almost bursting out of my chest. I could see a tall silhouette. “ Hello? Who, who's there! ”  I yelled, forming a cone shape around my mouth to make me sound louder. I moved towards the figure. It stood there. I walked faster. crushing twigs in every step. I tried to make out the figure, but I couldn't. I stepped one more step. I was about to run back. I was so scared. //Why isn't it running// I thought. Then the figure turned around and ran away. ====

==== The next morning I w<span style="font-family: Lucida Sans Unicode,sans-serif;">oke up to the beautiful birds chirping and the annoying meow of my cat telling me to wake up. I pulled my warm blanket off letting the cold air wash over me. My foot hit the ice cold floor. <span style="font-family: Nimbus Roman No9 L,Times New Roman,serif;">“ <span style="font-family: Lucida Sans Unicode,sans-serif;">Burr! I hate Mondays, <span style="font-family: Nimbus Roman No9 L,Times New Roman,serif;">” <span style="font-family: Lucida Sans Unicode,sans-serif;"> I muttered "Why can't we have stupid in-floor heating like everybody else! <span style="font-family: Nimbus Roman No9 L,Times New Roman,serif;">” ==== ====“<span style="font-family: Lucida Sans Unicode,sans-serif;">Scarlet I'm here! <span style="font-family: Nimbus Roman No9 L,Times New Roman,serif;">” <span style="font-family: Lucida Sans Unicode,sans-serif;"> yelled my best friend JC Beck ==== ====“<span style="font-family: Lucida Sans Unicode,sans-serif;">I'm coming, <span style="font-family: Nimbus Roman No9 L,Times New Roman,serif;">” <span style="font-family: Lucida Sans Unicode,sans-serif;"> I yelled ==== ==== <span style="font-family: Lucida Sans Unicode,sans-serif;">I threw on a pair of jeans and a rainbow colored shirt, then ran down the stairs to see a a blond haired, blue eyed tall girl wearing jeans and a light blue T-shirt. <span style="font-family: Nimbus Roman No9 L,Times New Roman,serif;">“ <span style="font-family: Lucida Sans Unicode,sans-serif;">Your not wearing that right? <span style="font-family: Nimbus Roman No9 L,Times New Roman,serif;">” ==== ==== g<span style="font-family: Lucida Sans Unicode,sans-serif;">Yah why? <span style="font-family: Nimbus Roman No9 L,Times New Roman,serif;">” <span style="font-family: Lucida Sans Unicode,sans-serif;"> I said as JC pulled open the oak door, and walked to school. ==== ====“<span style="font-family: Lucida Sans Unicode,sans-serif;">Because you look like a Peacock <span style="font-family: Nimbus Roman No9 L,Times New Roman,serif;">” <span style="font-family: Lucida Sans Unicode,sans-serif;"> she announced to the whole neighborhood. ==== ====“<span style="font-family: Lucida Sans Unicode,sans-serif;">Hey I do <span style="font-family: Nimbus Roman No9 L,Times New Roman,serif;">” <span style="font-family: Lucida Sans Unicode,sans-serif;"> I laughed. ====

<span style="color: #000000; font-family: Lucida Sans Unicode,sans-serif;">After school JC and I split up. Only because we lived on opposite sides of the neighborhood
==== “<span style="font-family: Lucida Sans Unicode,sans-serif;">No! <span style="font-family: Nimbus Roman No9 L,Times New Roman,serif;">” <span style="font-family: Lucida Sans Unicode,sans-serif;"> I heard someone yell in fright soon after I heard the crack of a gun. ==== ====I ran after the noise I saw a person with blond hair <span style="font-family: Lucida Sans Unicode,sans-serif;">covered in blood. It was JC. <span style="font-family: Nimbus Roman No9 L,Times New Roman,serif;">“ <span style="font-family: Lucida Sans Unicode,sans-serif;">Who did this to you" ==== ==== <span style="font-family: Lucida Sans Unicode,sans-serif;">''K- Kev-Kevin" her words were draining out of her mouth. <span style="font-family: Nimbus Roman No9 L,Times New Roman,serif;">“ <span style="font-family: Lucida Sans Unicode,sans-serif;">Kevin who? <span style="font-family: Nimbus Roman No9 L,Times New Roman,serif;">” <span style="font-family: Lucida Sans Unicode,sans-serif;"> I said.her face was pale soulless nothing in there. But her organs, taking their last breath. She was gone. <span style="font-family: Nimbus Roman No9 L,Times New Roman,serif;">“ <span style="font-family: Lucida Sans Unicode,sans-serif;">Help, <span style="font-family: Nimbus Roman No9 L,Times New Roman,serif;">” <span style="font-family: Lucida Sans Unicode,sans-serif;"> I screamed. Tears were rolling down my face. Soon after the police arrived. There is no point to live, my best friend is now dead. ====

==== “<span style="font-family: Lucida Sans Unicode,sans-serif;">She said it was somebody named Kevin, <span style="font-family: Nimbus Roman No9 L,Times New Roman,serif;">” <span style="font-family: Lucida Sans Unicode,sans-serif;"> I heared myself say to a police. I was in a grey brick room with a mirror. I was pretty sure there were people on the other side watching and recording my every word. <span style="font-family: Nimbus Roman No9 L,Times New Roman,serif;">“ <span style="font-family: Lucida Sans Unicode,sans-serif;">Soo.... <span style="font-family: Nimbus Roman No9 L,Times New Roman,serif;">” <span style="font-family: Lucida Sans Unicode,sans-serif;">he said lifting up a piece of paper off the table I was sitting at. <span style="font-family: Nimbus Roman No9 L,Times New Roman,serif;">“ <span style="font-family: Lucida Sans Unicode,sans-serif;">It says here you were walking home from school alone and you heard a scream. You ran to see your best friend lying on the sidewalk dead?" he said raising his right eyebrow ====

<span style="font-family: Lucida Sans Unicode,sans-serif;"> " Yes, yes I am." I said kind of annoyed.
====<span style="font-family: Lucida Sans Unicode,sans-serif;"> "Very well, you may join your parents." He said opening the steel door and shutting it behind me. My parents were there to greet me. "Oh we're so sorry." Mom said, kissing me on the cheek. ====

<span style="font-family: Lucida Sans Unicode,sans-serif;"> "I don't feel like talking about it!" I said.
====<span style="font-family: Lucida Sans Unicode,sans-serif;"> We walked towards the glass doors that lead to the parking lot then hopped into a cherry red Ford truck. Soon after we arrive at our cottage style house. ====

====<span style="font-family: Lucida Sans Unicode,sans-serif;">I opened the truck door and walked towards our house and opened the door. "Hhh" I sighed. I ran up to my room and shut my door creating a slam behind me.I sat down by my bed. I was really bored because JC and I were suppose to watch a movie every monday at 7:30. Tonight we were suppose to watch Devil Wears Prada in 10 minutes. Her and I were like sisters we did everything together. Whether it was doing homework together, or going on vacation we did everything, and now she is gone, Kevin took her away from me I opened up my year books and flipped through it. There were three Kevins, Kevin Wolf, Kevin Fox, and Kevin Harper. ====

====<span style="font-family: Lucida Sans Unicode,sans-serif;">The next day I desided to go to Kevin Fox and ask him if he knew JC Beck. He said he did and that he actually had a crush on her. In social class I asked Kevin Harper, asking him if he knew JC Beck. He said yah they played soccer together.There was no sight of Kevin Wolf. He wasn't at lunch, and I couldn't see him in any classes nor at recess, it was like he was ignoring me. **BRING** I heard the home bell ring just, as I was starting to give up I saw Kevin Wolf. I went to talk to him. Hey, Kevin Wolf. Doyou know who JC Beck is ==== ====<span style="font-family: Lucida Sans Unicode,sans-serif;"> "No." his eyes started to dart back and forth. "Okay I was just playing with my new rifle. I didn't know it was loaded. I'll turn myself in" ====

<span style="font-family: Lucida Sans Unicode,sans-serif;"> "Ooowwwhhhh that was kind of me I was going to ask you to come to my birthday party but I got nervous when you started to approach me."
====<span style="font-family: Lucida sans Unicode,sans-serif;">"Bye." I said angrily and ran home. I was really angrily that somebody killed my BFF, so I decided to take the long way home. When I opened the door my mom said, "they found JC's killer he going to spend time in jail and is accused of manslaughter." It didn't feel how I thought it would feel. Now two people had suffered, and I still have a broken heart. ====