Hall+of+Fame+10

Welcome to Your Mystery Story Page 2! Here is a new page to enter your fantastic new opening story lines, paragraphs, and soon full story. ​ This is also the place to post two stars and a wish about the other story staters, paragraphs, and stories you read. ** Two stars are positive things ** you see in the story and **your wish is constructive feedback ** on how to specifically improve the story. So, to recap....which means go over again, post your writing here after you've done some in class editing with your peers and then post it online for the world to see. The other people who are part of your team online, will post 2 stars (positive things) and one wish (constructive feedback to help make the writing better). Be kind, because after all, they will do the same for you!  ​ ​ Note: All stories and comments need to be on this page. Please do not use the discussion area for postings
 * Bubba Gump, SuperGrl43, Cowgirl, and gudgeontz **

“Off with her head!” cried the woman with deep red lipstick. - SuperGirl43

Hi SuperGirl! Good beginning...keep going. Mrs. Smith

Hi SuperGirl! YOu have a vivid npicture to begin your story. I look forward to more. A wish I have is that you would write more. Mr. Saltys

//__**Knee Deep**__// //**By BubbaGump2010**//

//His hand was sweaty as he slowly pushed the button down. Milla seconds later he heard the knees buckle and the gentle thud body...// //the sound of death. He slowly turned around with a large smirk on his face, and walked out the building.//

Very awesome story BubbaGump2010! I am looking forward the reading the rest of your story because you have something very original; I would like it if you wrote more. (Please write your nom de plume or Wiki name after your comments. Thanks.)

Hi BubbaGump. A star is that your opening really captures the reader's attention. I'm wondering what the thud is and why it's the sound of death. Mrs. Smith

hi BubbaGump, 1 star-i really liked that you made it sound mysterious 1 star-it sounds very original 1 wish-i didn't quite get it (it didn't make sence) cowgirl

Hi BubbaGump. A star to you for the excellent word choices you have made. In a short time you have built up suspense. A wish I have is that you explain the action more. Mr. Saltys

Hi BubbaGump. A star for you is that you did an excellent job of setting up the mystery and suspense of your story in the opening paragraph. My one wish is that you finish your story so that I can read what happens. Mrs. Eitzen =Framed! = By:SuperGrl43

=“Off with her head!” cried the woman with the deep red lipstick. The girl with the dirty blonde hair = =yelled, “But I...”. “I don't care and I don't want ANY BUTS!GUARDS, bring her to me by tomorrow at 2:00!” the exasperated captain cried before the ship bound to set sail to Madagascar. =

Hi SuerGrl. A star I have for the writing is that the opening sentence is an attention grabber and then you let us know they're on a ship to Madagascar which sounds exotic. A wish I have is that you'll finish it. Mrs. Smith

hi suppergirl 1 star-i liked that it sounds like you want it to take out in the middel ages. 1 star-to finish it!

Hi Supergirl. I reall like the descriptive words that you use to describe your characters, such as, girl with the red lipstick. I can picture her in my mind. My wish is that you finish your story. Mrs.Eitzen Rain, gallons of rain, pouring down like a flash flood, drenching anything in its way. - Gudgeontz1

**__ Marrow __** Gudgeontz1 Rain, gallons of rain, pouring down like a flash flood, drenching anything in its way. Life was strange in the miniscule village of Utrall, The old buildings reduced to mere rubble with quakes, the cliffs destroyed by the enormous amounts of rain, and worst of all, the pests. You’d get coyotes or mosquitoes in any other area of the world, but in the vast region of Northern Fitalia, resided unbelievable creatures small enough to eat your brains through your ear and large enough to use mountains as backscratchers.

Dear Gudgeontz1 - The grade 5 class, and I are looking at different paragraphs this afternoon, and would like to comment on your writing. We think you provided interesting details that showed rather than told. It keeps you interested, and stays on topic. Our only wish is that you keep writing the story, so we can read the finished copy. - Mrs. Eitzen & Grade 5 class

Hi Gudgeontz. A star to you for the imaginative opening. It is a fresh original beginning. A wish I have is that you take more time to develop of the facts of the situation. Introduce some characters and turn them loose to live in this imaginative world now. Mr. Saltys

Mrs. Smith **
 *  Hi Gudgeontz! A star I have for the writing is the opening sentence is very descriptive and lets the reader know that this is a very, very heavy rain affecting the characters. Another star is the descriptions of the creatures who inhabit the region of Northern Fitalia. It lets the reader know that some intereresting plot developments are about to occur. A wish I have is that you'll finish the story before June. Thanks.

I love how your story starts off with how the rain is flooding the town and how the animals are so different in that place. I also like how you explain that the water washes away the mountains bit by bit. I look forward to reading more of it. -BubbaGump2010

Hi Gudgeontz - I love all the descriptive words you use. I can picture your story in my mind. I look forward to reading the whole story, and that is my wish to you that you finish your story. Mrs. Eitzen P.S. If I had read further, I would have seen that you did finish the story. Oops!

**Speechless** by

cowgirl I woke up on a hard hospital bed,there was a needle stuck in my arm giving artificial blood. My best friend Kate-Lynn was sitting next to me in the comfy hospital seats.What happened?, I asked with a shaky voice.Your brother killed your family and could've killed you if you didn't fight back, she replied sadly. ' 'No no no I don't believe it it can't be'',I screamed squirming in my bed.  Sedate her, yelled the nurse.

__ Very Awesome! Looking forward to reading the rest of your story because yu have Kate-Lynn telling part of the story of what happened. __ Please leave your Wiki name so Cowgirl knows who gave her feedback. Also, be careful of how you use colours when writing back. This is hard to read. Thanks. Mrs. S.

Hi Cowgirl. The beginning of a very sad story I think. One star I have for the writing is that you let the reader know that the hospital bed is hard and the visitor's chair is comfy. I laughed because it should be the other way around where the patient has the comfort. A wish I have for the writing/story is that you develop it so it doesn't become a "TV" story. I know you have lots of creative ideas in you! Thanks Cowgirl. Mrs.Smith

Hi Cowgirl. A star for you - you managed the topic really well and I could picture it happening easily. A wish I have is to hear the rest of the story. Mr. Saltys

Hi Cowgirl. I like your opening sentence. It really grabs the readers attention. Please finish the story, so I can find out what happens. Mrs. Eitzen Framed! By: SuperGrl43

“Off with her head!” cried the woman with the deep red lipstick. The girl with the dirty blonde hair yelled, “But I...”. “I don't care and I don't want ANY BUTS! GUARDS, bring her to me by tomorrow at 2:00!” the exasperated captain cried before the ship bound to set sail to Madagascar. Later that day as the boat was about 100 km away from the coast of England the young girl named Dahlia recalled what her master had said to her about the crime she had supposedly committed. Which consisted of her graftiing the captain's bedroom wall with funny phrases such “Captain Smelly smells like the inside of a Sasquatch's shoe and her back end is as wide as an elephants!” and thought to herself “I did not do that! How can she just get away with … with … that dirty crime? She can just allow me to explain that I did not really do that hilarious prank for like 2 minutes! I need to explain to her that it was not me before she like murders me The next morning while Dahlia was having a restless sleep she was thinking about how to prove herself right and show the captain that she is not the kind of person to violate others personal objects on purpose. She woke up with a jolt because she had figured it all out! All she had to do was write the captain a letter explaining that she was not the person held responsible for the mishap. And this is what she wrote: Dear Captain Amelia, I am sorry that you believe that I wrecked your bedroom wall (which I'm not saying that I did) but it was not me! Please, please believe me! I am only 12 years old and well ...I don't really need to be executed. Sincerely, Dahlia

After she finished her little note she folded it and in her best handwriting she formally addressed it to Ms. Amelia and threw it out onto the floor right outside of the Captain's door and waited around the corner until Amelia oped the barge's wheelhouse to go and get her morning coffee (Amelia gets cranky if she does not get her coffee). When the cranky wheelhouse pilot stepped out of the room, she noticed the folded, white paper addressed to Ms. Amelia. When she bent down to get it she unfolded it and read who had signed it and yelled to Dahlia to get her butt over to explain the reason there was a note in front of her bedroom door. Dahlia who was blabbering like a complete fool stumbled,“Well... I...mean...I...oh, I...please just read it.” “Why should I?” snarled the woman. “Because it explains everything that you need and want to know.” explained the teen. The woman with the heavily applied make-up looked less tense when she replied, “Then why didn't you just say so?” “I was afraid that when you read it you would get mad and throw me overboard or something.” cried Dahlia. “ Why would I...get over here you littler brat!”from her calm tone to her yelling tone you could tell she was going to kill the mouse(a.k.a. Dahlia). While the captain was reading the note, she was also speaking, so in mid-sentence her expression changed totally. “Oh yes! Why don't I just let everyone laugh in my face because of what __YOU__ wrote on __MY__ bedroom wall. No, you are not getting off hook!” the outraged captain bellowed. “But...what if I can prove to you that it was not me?!”questioned Dahlia. “But you did do it! My deckhand Bobby-Joe found you doing it!” remarked the wheelhouse attendant. “Do you have any proof of that?” the very tired looking teen inquired. “No, but...”uttered the older person. “NO BUTS!” Dahlia recalled. “Now, time to find the real thief!”enthused Amelia.

Mrs. Smith **
 * Hi SuperGrl. One star for the writing is your use of humour; like Captain Smelly and her back end....". Made me laugh as they were creative but not too nasty insults. Another star is that you share with the readers the emotions of the Captain and Pilot with terms like calm tone to yelling tone and her expression changed totally. One wish I have is that you are careful with not adding too much dialogue as it can bog down a story. So far, it's working but be careful to keep your paragraphs running smoothly with bits of dialogue, not entire paragraphs. Thanks SuperGrl. Looking forward to finding out who the culprit is.

I like how you add humour in your story and that you keep the humour there you don't get rid of it further into the story, you keep it there the whole time you don't get rid of it. I also like how your story stays on topic. I'm looking forward to reading more of it. -BubbaGump2010

A star to you SuperGirl for the variety of sentence types you are using. Another star as well for the fluent way you are moving your story along. A wish I have is that you show your hero doing a particular action.

Mr. Saltys

Hi, supergirl143 2 stars- you used great humour like "captian smelly" and you described what was happening in the story very well. 1 wish- try not to be so repetitive- MNABuster2010

Hi Supergirl - I liked how you added very precise descriptive words to your story, such as, grafting the captain's wall. My wish for you, is that you edit your story,so all of the parts connect and make sense. Some of the story, I found difficult to follow the plot line. Mrs. Eitzen

//__**Knee Deep**__// //**By BubbaGump2010**//

//His hand was sweaty as he slowly pushed the button down. Milla seconds later he heard a gentle thud...// //the sound of death. He slowly turned around with a large smirk on his face, and walked out the building.//

//This was horrible, I was sitting on a bench in the park reading the news paper, on the headline was __**Mysterious Death of Race Horses.**__ As I read on I realized no one knew what had happened to the horses or how they had died. This was the second death this week. I decided this was something I wanted to get involved with, especially when my favorite race horse Chocolate Cone was dead.// //That day I went to the race track to talk to Mr. Bailey, and try to find out who would want to do such a this that would want to take an animals life.// “ //What do you want?” said a gruff voice. I turned to see Mr. Bailey.// “ //Hi, Mr. Bailey do you think you could tell me who would want to hurt your horses?” I asked trying to sound mature, and that I new what I was doing.// “ //No, now go away, I don't want to talk to any reporters or any stupid little kid. Now Leave,” he snapped. With that Mr. Bailey walked away. Well than if he didn't want to tell me anything then I'll just find it out for myself. I started walking around toward the barn when I heard someone yell “ I thought I told you to leave, now go before I call the cops,” It was Mr. Bailey, and he looked really mad. I quickly ran outside, hopped on my bike and rode back to town. I decided to come back later tonight and find out what Mr. Bailey was hiding.//

//I breathed out deeply as I nervously slid open the barn door. Here we go I thought to myself. Now or never. I decided to go upstairs first then I'd snoop around in the stalls. As I looked around I found nothing, nothing at all. Frowning I was just about to walk down the stairs when I heard voices outside. Turning I saw Mr. Bailey and a man I didn't recognize. He had a trailer with a large machine on it. I cracked the round window open as quietly, and as slowly as possible, praying they wouldn't hear me. They were talking about the machine, then I herd Mr. Bailey say “I might have it in the attic”// //Panicking I jumped behind a bunch of hay bales,pulled a piece of cardboard over my head and prayed he wouldn't see me. I heard him come up the stairs. Tensing I prepared to run out if he saw me. I slowly peeked out from behind the bale, I could see him coming towards the bales, I eyed up the door preparing to leap for it if he came to close. I was guessing it would be 3 or 4 lengths away. Mr. Bailey got closer then he bent down and picked up a large metal pole, and he dragged it down from the attic. I ran over to the window and saw Mr. Bailey lift the pole into the truck. I frowned wondering what it was for, Mr. Bailey then walked around the building and past the large walk doors. I thought Mr. Bailey was headed for the house because the truck was driving off I decided to head down the stairs while I had a chance but as I turned around I saw Mr. Bailey standing at the doorway.// “ //You! I thought I told you to leave this morning” Mr. Bailey glared at me. Not answering I bolted for the door. Mr. Bailey tried to block me but I sneaked by him and bolted down the stairs, ran out the door, hopped on my bike and rode out as fast as I could down to the main road. I pedaled as fast I could but as I pedaled away from the farm I heard a pick-up truck start up and come down th road after me. I turned around to see the pick-up gaining speed. Getting faster and faster. I saw an approach up ahead. I got closer and closer, then I turned in to it but I missed it. I hit the ditch the truck ripped by and kept going as far as I could see. Maybe he wasn't after me. Pulling up my bike I got back up on the road and headed home deep in thought.//

//It was a strange feeling, it was almost like I knew what was happening to the horses, but I didn't. “ KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK.” Someone must be at the door. I put my eye to the peek door. I t was Mr. Bailey. I thought fast, I could lock the door and hide or I could get some guts, open the door, and face Mr. Bailey. So thats what I did, I opened the door and said, “good morning Mr. Bailey, how can I help you?” He gave me a crooked smile and said “ Oh don't try and......” he stopped short I heard my best friend Natalie's voice down the hall. As she walked around the corner she saw Mr. Bailey, she looked at me questionably.// “ //You know him? She questioned. I was about to answer when he said, “ Of course, were really good friends I was just about to tell her who I think hurt the horses. Why don't you come to my place and we can talk about it at my place. Your friend can come too.” So we followed him down the stairs and got into his car. As Mr. Bailey drove down the road, Mr. Bailey took a turn down a dirt road which I knew wasn't to his place. At the end of the road there was a large building and two poles beside it. He parked it at the step of the building then he turned around in his seat took two pairs of handcuffs out and put a pair on each of us. Then he got out and took us out of the car the next thing he did was he handcuffed us each to a pole.// “ //Why are you doing this,” Natalie cried as Mr. Bailey walked away.// “ //Because your friend already knows too much, and If you were to see me take her away than you would make me the prime subject. So I took both of you.” Mr. Bailey than hopped into his car and walked away.// “ //I'm so sorry, I'm so so sorry. This is all my fault,” I sobbed// “ //Don't blame yourself at least if we die we'll die together,” Natalie said making a fake laugh. “Ya, die together as best friends so, fun,” I said sadly. We went silent after that. Soon, it was dark. We both layed our heads against our separate poles, and we were soon both asleep. I awoke to a high pitched screaming. I whipped around to look at Natalie, to my horror she was being mauled by a bear.// “ //NO” I screamed “ Natalie fight for life please don't leave me I need you” I shrank Into a tiny ball and sobbed. I knew I couldn't do anything, Natalie's screams filling the forest around us. As the bear tore into Natalie I prayed the bear would come after me next. I didn't want to suffer here alone. But the bear didn't even look at me. It only wanted Natalie,to torture me, to make me suffer. Natalie's cries and shrieks slowly died away,and the bear left. The forest went silent, dull, forever lost in a world so lonely. I stared out at the trees. I stared until my eyes stung, until I could almost feel my entire body ache with sadness. I slowly fell asleep. That night I drempt the scene over and over again. Natalie's screams, the cracks of her bones and the silence after she died. Then I drempt it was me. I drempt it was me who was killed by the bear. Not Natalie. I awoke to a truck engine, looking towards the road I saw Mr. Bailey. He ran over to me and said, “ wheres you friend?”// “ //She's dead,” I snapped. “Look around,” some of Natalie's body parts still lay around. Mr. Bailey looked horrified,// “ //I didn't mean for this to happen, I only did this to cover up the evidence before you could tell the police. Thats the only reason I put you out here in the first place. Now what do I do? I can't just leave you here.” Mr. Bailey started pacing back and forth. Shaking his head back and forth. Then after the longest time he finally said, “ you know what I'll just leave you here to die, your no use to the world, your just an annoying little brat that's in the world to annoy people so, Tata.” Mr. Bailey walked away, just like he had done the day Natalie had died. I stare after him, pleading for him to turn around and come back but he didn't. He just left me, again, to die just like Natalie. A small tear rolled down the side of my cheek. I couldn't believe Mr. Bailey just left me sitting there in the burning sun sweating like you wouldn't believe, feeling the flies crawl on my face the mosquitoes biting me everywhere. I could feel large welts starting on my face from them biting me over and over and again. Finally I fell into a restless sleep, dreaming of horrible things, thing I don't want to remember.//

//I slowly opened my eyes, the sun was shining through the canopy of trees, straight onto my face, it had now been 7 days of pure torcher sitting here in the hot sun baking like an omelet. Suddenly I heard a large crack out in the bush, I whipped around but I saw nothing. My heart started pounding and I started to get really sweaty. Then I heard a voice, someone said “ What the...// //why are you sitting in the middle of nowhere tied to a pole?” I turned to see a boy that looked strangely familiar. “ Do I know you? Whats your name?” I asked suddenly very curious about him. Than he said something I never thought he'd say “ My names Nole. I ran away from home last fall. I used to go to Elmer high but....”// “ //What, I go there, but this guy Mr. Bailey tied me up than he left me here. By the way can you untie me? I'd kinda like to get off this pole, plus I'm starved.”// “ //Oh, right sure, um.... with what?” Nole questioned// “ //I don't know find something,” I replied. So Nole went into the large building in search of something to break the handcuffs. He came back with a large piece of metal. Oh boy I thought to myself, this should be good. He took the metal and said, “ Okay now lean forward, and don't move your hands okay”// “ //Okay” I replied I leaned forward and heard the smash of metal against metal. I cringed, I'd always hated that sound. Suddenly I tumbled forward. I was guessing I was freed. I looked at the chains hanging from my wrists, I looked like I had just escaped from Jail. I turned to thank Nole but when I turned he was go.// “ //Hello?” I cried out, he was gone just like that. POOF. Maybe he didn't want to be exposed, bu I still had so many questions. Why did he run away, I remember him from school. He'd always been so popular. At one point we had dated but that was a long time ago. I was starved but I new I had to head home before Mr. Bailey came back. So I started the long walk home on the hot dirt road.//

//After what felt like hours and it probably was I reached town. My apartment wasn't to far now. I was really happy to be able to see my apartment in the distance so after about fifteen minutes I reached my apartment. As soon as I reached my porch I grabbed the keys I had hidden under my flower pot just sitting on the step up to my door. The moment I got the door open I washed my hands ( Ya, thats right I washed my hands even thought I was famished.) and I headed straight to the fridge. I found everything that was possibly edible and made a huge dinner. It was probably the best food I ever tasted. After what Mr. Bailey had done to me I was even more determine to find out what he was hiding. So after I ad my delicious supper ( which I must add that, I emptied my entire fridge) and had a shower. I got on the computer to see what would happen when a race horse died, what the owner would get out of it. As I read different articles I noticed they all said that if the owner had a good race horse and he had insurance on it they could get up to $1,000,000 dollars, but only if it was a really food racer. I thought for a moment, Chocolate Cone, and Big Thunder were both top racers, Mr. Baiey would get at least a million dollars for each of them. I did some more research and found out that Mr. Bailey would have to have the insurance for at least 2 weeks ahead of time before the insurance would activate. I decided to head down to the bank and see if Mr. Bailey had any insurance on his horses.//

“ //Hi, I was wondering if I could ask you a question?” I smiled sweetly at the banker.// “ //Oh, absolutely! What can I do for you?” she questioned// “ //Has Mr. Bailey gotten any insurance on his 2 horses Chocolate Cone and Big Thunder?”// “ //Just let me check,” she quickly turned away from me and rummaged through her cabinet file. Within a couple minutes she pulled out a large sheet of paper.// “ //Yes, they were both insured about 4 eeks ago, but they died last week. With unknown death. “ She answered.// “ //Ok, thank you” I smiled then left. Okay so Mr. Bailey just insured them both and I knew that he'd had his horses for about a year. Which was a pretty good indicater that he wasn't planning on anything happening to them.//

//I got home late that night but I still wanted to look up 1 thing before I went to sleep. I wanted to look up Chocolate Cones and Big Thunders game status before they had died. I looked over the racing records and by the looks of it there times had gotten slower and slower by the race. So once I found that information out I went straight to bed, I was planning on reporting Mr. Bailey for kidnapping in the morning.//

//I lay awake in bed unable to sleep, afraid I might wake up and still be chained to that tree, so I thought about the night I was at Mr. Baileys farm. The large machine he had had on the truck. It had many wires on it. The police were suspecting the horses as having a heart attack....// //That was it!!! Mr. Bailey put insurance on his 2 horses because there status was so high. But when there times got so slow he had to kill them while they were worth so much, and the machine on the back of the the truck was probably used to electrify the horses to make it look like the horse had, had a heart attack. I figured it out, I really figured it out. I finally fell asleep, and put my worries to a rest.// //I woke up early and eagerly headed to the police station. As I went to pull the door open I whispered, “ I'm so sorry you couldn't do this with me, Natalie.” Then I walked in.// “ //Hi, I would like.....” I stopped short, suddenly I was really scared. I really didn't want to do this.// “ //Is there a problem?” The lady asked// “ //Um, yes there is a man named Ken Bailey, and I'd like to report him for kidnapping and animal abuse.” Then the next thing I new the lady was leading me into a private room and I was spilling everything about Mr. Bailey to the lady who walked in with me. Beginning with me sneaking into the barn to Natalie being mauled by a bear. The police did some investigating, and within a week Mr. Bailey was charged for murder and animal abuse.//

//After a year my night meres of the mauling went away. I finally made peace with Natalie's death, and I decide to become an investigator for my career so in a way everything kinda, sorta turned out okay.//