Hall+of+Fame+3

Thunder, Sara, and bobodia Welcome to Your Mystery Story Page 2! Here is a new page to enter your fantastic new opening story lines, paragraphs, and soon full story. ​ This is also the place to post two stars and a wish about the other story staters, paragraphs, and stories you read. ** Two stars are positive things ** you see in the story and **your wish is constructive feedback ** on how to specifically improve the story. So, to recap....which means go over again, post your writing here after you've done some in class editing with your peers and then post it online for the world to see. The other people who are part of your team online, will post 2 stars (positive things) and one wish (constructive feedback to help make the writing better). Be kind, because after all, they will do the same for you!  ​ ​ Note: All stories and comments need to be on this page. Please do not use the discussion area for postings -

A little boy who was sitting in a corner of the orphanage he thought to himself I wonder where my mom is? I wonder what she looks like? - bobodia

Hi Bobodia. One star is that this is a good opening sentence. I wonder why the little boy is in the orphanage and why he doesn't know what his Mom looks like. That tells me that he has been there for awhile. One wish I have for you is that you finish this story for everyone to read. Thanks. Mrs.S

Hello Bobodia. "Two stars, I like how you started your sentence "A little boy." I also like how you said that he did not know what his mom looked like or where she was. 1 wish, I would only change the punctuation, suggestion, he thought to himself. I wonder where my mom is? -Thunder2010

hello bobodia one star is that you wonder where was my mom what did she look like. I also like how you had him in a corner in a orfnage. I would like you to continue this stroy for us to read from saratoo

Hi Bobodia - Your opening sentence really caught my attention. I wondered why the little boy was an orphan. I look forward to reading more of your story. - Mrs. Eizen

BY SARA One dark and gloomy night the power went off lightning had struck the house. Sam and her family were watching TV antennas light up blue. Then all the lights went off. I herd a shriek who was it. The lights turned on it was Sam but where was she eekeek we heard again.

Hi Sara. One star I have for you is the way you described the TV antenna lighting up blue. I could actually see that! A wish I have for you is that you work on developing this story as you have a good beginning. Mrs. S.

hello Sara. one star, i like how you are giving people the image of the TV antennas lighting up blue. i like how you heard a shriek, then it is a false alarm, then you hear another eekeek, this time it was real. wish, i wish that you would not put so much punctuation in your paragraph. example, some of the peroids in your paragraph are too close -Thunder2010

Hi Sara - After reading your opening paragaph, I immediately wondered what was going to happen. You did a good job of describling common objects in a different and unique way, such as, the TV antenna. My one wish is that you make it clearer to the reader if you are talking about your family, or Sam's famiy, or if they are the same family. I was uclear on this connection - Mrs. Eitzen

**By **
 * Thunder2010 **


 * I woke up to the alarm clock on my phone. I felt a cold breeze, almost like a ghost walked over me. I waited a few minutes until my alarm clock went off again, then I got up, it was so cold. I started shivering, so, I walked slowly to the thermostat to see what the temperature was at. It was at minus zero degrees, I turned it back up to twenty-five degrees, it turned back to minus zero degrees, I was shivering even more, again, I felt another cold breeze, but, I could of just been hallucinating though. I was not sure to rather run or scream!! **

Hi Thunder! A star I have for you is the imagery you used to get the idea across that ghostly shenanigans were going on in that room. Another star is the way you crafted your last sentence, "I was not sure to rather scream or run". I got the idea immediately that you were terrified! A wish I have is that you too would finish this story as it has a great beginning. Mrs. S.

Dear thunder 2010 I liked how it was cold and felt like a ghost was in the room. The alarm clock kept on going of .One wish i have is that you take this peace even farther to make it even better. from sarato o

Hi Thunder, I liked you opening sentence, it really grabbed my attention. I wondered how it would actually feel to have a ghost walk over you. You also did a good job of setting up the mystery for your story. My wish is that you finish the story, so that I can read the rest of the story. - Mrs. Eitzen

this is my finished story! 6 pages, 2540 words, and 12642 characters!! I hope that you enjoy!

**My Old Life In California**
 * By **
 * Thunder2010 **

**I walked slowly back to my bedroom to go to bed again, I thought to myself again,** //**is it actually her cat?**// **I fell asleep thinking about that, I woke up to the lovely birds chirping in the morning. My sister woke up right after I made breakfast for her. She said thanks then moved on and got right on the computer. I thought in my head** //**why does she always go on the computer in the morning,**// **my question never got answered. I sat down on the couch getting ready for my favorite show, hoarders. I was wondering about what would happen if I go up there. I slowly wondered upstairs, trying to sneak in my sister's room without her seeing me. I again thought to myself,** //**what is going to happen if she sees me? Is she going to lock her door, or what?**// **I snapped out of it quickly, I wasn't sure to actually do it or not. I wanted to turn right around, but, I didn't I quickly, and quietly ran through my sisters bedroom sneaking into her closet, I stepped onto the shelf. I was waiting for it to fall because I almost broke the shelf. I stepped onto the clothing rack, it fell, I fell with it though. My sister I guess didn't hear it or else she would have came stumbling into the closet. I stepped on a different shelf now, I stepped on a different rack, it did not break. I felt so releived that it didn't break on me. My sister came into her closet, luckily I fell before she walked into so I was right beside the door, I ran behind her quietly. She did not notice, I didn't go into the attic, I wanted to so bad though. My sister walked behind me when I was in the kitchen looking in the refrigerator. She asked me, why were you in my closet? I replied as swallowing my saliva, “i wasn't, maybe your cat did, I swallowed my saliva even harder this time. My sister walked up close to me and rudely replied, if you were in my closet snooping in my stuff, I am going to kick you out, “bbbut,” I slowly commented on the way that she talked to me. She told me that she was serious, that if I was up in her closet again I would be living in the streets, unless I found a friend that would let me stay over with. I swallowed again even harder, way harder than last time. I walked over to my room, trying to figure out how I was going to get up in the attic without her noticing that I went went in her closet. I thought some more,, nothing came to my mind. Fifteen minutes later, my sister had to go on her date, she told me to stay out of the closet. I wasn't listening because I did not care at all what she was saying, while she was talking I was just trying to find out how to get into her closet again. When she left I walked straight into her room. My sister walked into the house quietly, she slowly opened her bedroom door, I hid in her closet because I heard the door squeal. I peaked around the corner, it looked like she was looking around to see if I was there. I piled the clothes on top of me, I thought that she heard me bang against the wall, she ran back out of her room, and then out of the door. I was trying to think why she was running because she heard me, I thought that she was just going to get me into trouble because I was in her closet.** //**I guess that I do not even know if that was her,**// **I** **thought to myself. I did only see the back of his/or her head, he/she was only wearing black, personally I didn't think that that was my sister. I was very confused at that moment, I ran back into the living room because I felt like someone was watching me. I crawled on the couch getting ready to watch TV. I hear a big bang that sounded like it was upstairs, I didn't want to go up there though, I slowly walked over to the thermostat to see what the temperature is, this time I think the person who is behind all of this is trying to freeze me! I was really getting uncomfortable now. I fell asleep watching the TV, I was watching Law and Order. My opinion was that it was a very good episode, I woke up in my bed, at that point I was very creeped out. Again one more time I heard a big rattle upstairs, then I saw the thermostat turning down, I had it this time, I quietly tip-toed into my sisters room to see if she was there, there was no trace of her anywhere. I slowly walked into her closet, once I got in the attic, no one was there I slowly, but quietly walked into the office, I took in a deep breath. There she was sitting on the leather chair, that has one broken wheel. She was playing on facebook, I thought to myself** //**go figure, she is always in the office early in the morning**// **. I walked in, and asked her, “where were you at night did you hear that big bang?”** **I hid a big whisper in my head** //**you probably did not hear the big bang because you were the one who made it!**// **From then on I just acted like it was a usual day,did the same normal thing. I made breakfast, ate it, then at lunch time I made lunch again, I ate it while watching TV. I made supper, then I was prepared for war, this time I pretended that I was asleep, I waited for the bang. I crawled right up into my sisters closet, then into the attic. Once I got in there I looked around, there she was with a clear string right on top of the thermostat, I told her, I knew it was you, I just could never get up here, no wonder you didn't want me up here! I stormed downstairs,** //**how did I even trust you**// **? I thought to myself. I started to pack all of my things because now I knew that it was not a ghost. I asked my sister “how did you get into my house at night.”**
 * I woke up to the alarm clock on my phone. I felt a cold breeze, almost like a ghost walked over me. I waited a few minutes until my alarm clock went off again, then I got up, it was so cold. I started shivering, so, I walked slowly to the thermostat to see what the temperature was at. It was at minus zero degrees, I turned it back up to twenty-five degrees, it turned back to minus zero degrees, I was shivering even more, again, I felt another cold breeze, but, I could of just been hallucinating though. I was not sure to rather run or scream!! ** **It was the most scariest day of my life, I called my sister to tell her what I saw and felt, I then put my house on the market to sell. She told me that I could stay with her for a while, but that day I had a very bad day. Fist I spilled my coffee all over myself, next I slipped on all my papers that got blown away from my fan that I accidentally turned on. I again spilled my new coffee, but this time it was on my boss! Now I felt like screaming because that got me fired. Now, I had no job, and I am living with my sister until I moved into another house. The house was finally sold, but, when I went into my sisters house I fell asleep because I had a rough day, I woke up at 12:00am. I woke up so late because I actually had a good sleep for once, because the heat was actually at twenty-five degrees. After a couple weeks of staying at my sisters house the temperature started to go down. My sister was starting to wonder if I was being haunted. I told her that the only really bad thing that I did was say that I hated people, most of them died though. Once I stole a car, I still have the car, no one knows though, I also stole money from the bank to get a house. It could just be every ghost coming back to haunt me. I thought about it some more I remembered that my sister named Jill always said that she was going to kill herself because I was always rude to her, and that I didn't let her have her way sometimes so she always repeatedly said that, she either said that or she said that if she does die she will haunt me, but, she is still alive so there is no way that she would be haunting me. I thought about it some more, then, I knew that it would not make any sense. I stayed up all night because it was cold. But, the day before the heat turned down every night, the power kept going out. My sister got scared, she thoght I was just trying to scare her, but, that all could be a lie. I remembered that my friends and I used to play practical jokes on each other. I thought about it, I started to get into my sisters car with a smile on my face! I got to my friends house, broke into their door and freaked out on them. They were wondering why I did that, my friend Lisa stuttered, she was going to say something, I rudely, and madly interrupted her screaming “okay, I know how we always play jokes on each other, but, this one went just too far!” they were thinking some more on trying to remember what they did. They asked together “ what? what did we do?”**
 * I tried to calm down, inhale,exhale, I did that repeatedly until I stopped screaming. I calmly replied to my friends “you know what you did! You broke into my house, and then pretended like there was a ghost haunting me.” I thought to myself carefully that, that is almost impossible to do. I would wake up if someone was trying to break into my house. I apologized to my friends, I told them exactly these words. “i am so sorry, I never noticed that that was practically impossible to do that, I am very sorry that I ever blamed you!”**
 * I walked back to my sisters house, quietly, and quickly. I snuck inside quietly**
 * , I saw my sister warming up by the fire place, again, I tried to turn up the thermostat once more. It stayed at 25 degrees for a a while, I was very surprised. I sat down beside my sister to warm up too, I told her what happened. She was surprised that I actually went to my friends house at 9:00pm at night just to go and freak out on them, when they didn't even do it. She found that it wasn't a big deal that the heat kept going down, she might have been living in a house with no heat. I was not sure, I left it alone though. I finally got tired and went to bed. I heard my sisters cat in the roof, I started to think it wasn't a cat anymore though. It sounded like something much much larger. I went up in the attic to see what it was, I ran, I heard stumbling down the stairs. I ran down the other way into my sisters room, she was gone. I looked in all of the other rooms, finally I went into the last room which was the bathroom, there she was brushing her teeth. I thought to myself** //**maybe it could be her cat after all.**// **My sister asked me “I thought you were in bed?”**
 * I gasped, “I can't sleep.”**
 * She asked me “why can't you, is the cat in the attic again?”**
 * I told her gasping again, “yep she is.”**
 * she replied back to me softly, almost like she just woke up “no I did not, I had a long night”**
 * She answered like it was so simple, she started explaining how she got in, “it was easy, when I came over to your house for Christmas, you pulled the key out from under the mat, you unlocked the door and let us enter. From then on I kept going into your house and flicking with your stuff. I thought to myself** //**I was so stupid.**// **I asked my sister in an ashamed voice, “but, why would you do this?”**
 * She answered back in a voice that sounded like she knew the answer right when I asked it, it seemed as she didn't even stop to think. “I did this because I was bored, and it seemed like you never paid attention to me, so, I wanted to get you back.” I thought to myself,** //**I didn't pay attention to my little sister?**// **I snapped myself back, “well, you know that you could have talked to me right?” She told me that she never thought of that. I told her that I am going to be moving because I got a job offer in Arizona.**
 * The next day, I was packing because I wanted to move to Arizona for my job offer. Once I was done packing all of my clothes, and all of my furniture I stuffed them all into my silver convertible mustang. While doing this I accidentally stubbed my toe on the edge of the doorway, I knew once I did that I definitely knew that I was clumsy. I thought out loud** // **how does a person stub their toe on a stupid doorway!** // **I was pretty weird though, because no one was at my house.**
 * After that I called my family to tell them that I was moving to Arizona. I didn't want them to come to my house for thanksgiving if I wasn't going to be there. When I was done calling all of my family that lived around me I was off to Arizona. I was laying on my bed, I had just woke up, I saw the temperature go down. I woke up from that horrifying dream, I was so happy that it was a dream. My alarm on my phone went off, I turned it off, still laying in my bed, I felt a cold breeze again, the thermostat went down, I slowly walked up again, I turned the temperature up, then walked into my attic almost like it was a scary movie that gives you nightmares. I walked into the kitchen, but this time, it wasn't a dream!**

finished copy

The Dream ** One dangerously and dark **** night the power went off, lightning had struck the house.MY family and I were watching TV antennas light up blue. Then all the lights went off. I heard a shriek who was it. The light turned on it was Sam, but where was she ahh we heard it again! ** As I struggled through the maze there was a metal door and I tightly grasped the handle and turned it. Opened and I slowly walked through the door. Ekkk I heard as I walked through. There was a door across the way, bang, bang it got louder and louder. As it came closer, and I ran down the hall at the end of the hall was a door way. I opened it was the end to the maze. I went in and stood by the door, the door quickly opened. He came and quickly led me through the hall into another room. Suddenly gates and bars dropped as I entered the room. The door shut ahh I heard once again but it was louder .I started to walk around the bars as I walked around the bars. I looked up and there was three levels and at the very top was a platform. Ahh all I saw was the vibration on the bars as I walked around them. After struggling through the first and second level now I am on the third. The bars got bigger and bigger. And as I got higher more bars started to drop from the ceiling and the platform was right above my head. But why was there on floor or anything leading to it. I wondered to myself what if I don’t make it want if they capture me to. But what do I need to do to reach the platform. Look up and there was a rope and a little cart hanging from the bottom of it. I rapidly jumped on the cart and it took me to the platform where the man was standing .I woke up it was all a dream.
 * By Sara **
 * Oh no we should look for her. But I did not want to split up so We stepped on the first stair eek, then the second creek, the third, fourth, fifth, sixth the rest did not squeak. They walked down the hall, and slowly opened the door .My heart was pounding boom, boom, and boom! We peered around the corner. I screamed I turned on the light it was just her big we had to stay together. We did not want someone else to go missing as well. We should all check upstairs in her bedroom. teddy bear. **
 * We hesitated to go in, but we had to look around in the closet. But nothing was found. Next was the basement. We went down, and turned on the lights. We still had boxes from when we moved. I looked behind them. Ah it was Sam she was covered in blood I called the others. When I turned around to tell them to hurry, she was gone. How did she disappear. Where is she? We have to find her!! Ah we heard again. I looked around mom and dad were gone too .I was the only one left. All of a sudden from behind something put a hand on my shoulder crash glass shattered I go pulled in between the boxes to he opened one all I could see was Sam's old PSP with the white light shining out of it. One minute later I was in a virtual world everything went black then in bright white writing it said LEVEL ONE. I yelled I was trapped inside and heard three loud screams then help me ah. We were in World War one what do I do? There was a big explosion right in front of my face. I stopped and turned around I screamed, **
 * panicked, and I fell to the ground. Beep, beep, the screen the trying to find it. I found in the center of the screen...... what do I do now I thought to myself and all of a sudden a voice said look around you. I carefully but carefully looked around and right behind me was a giant medieval times castle made at of gray slimy bricks with a moat around it was a green slimy water with crocodiles, and a alligator. A wooden bridge lowered as a path way to the inside of the castle .I picked up a pebble and through it on to the bridge to see if it was a trap. I conscientiously put my left foot on the bridge then my right I took a step, I fell through the bridge into a dark brick chamber. Beep an announcement came on hahaha you will never find your family now. It was a huge tank with huge treads right over top of me . I screamed and ducked, I looked up as it drove over top of me and on the bottom it said “ you have now enter the castle” **
 * The room went dark ahh a sudden firm grip clasped my wrists and said “follow me if you struggle and move you will never see you family again .” **
 * “Ha hahaha” He laughed again. He led her through a hall way to another misty dim room. He gave me instructions. He handed me paper wrapped like a scroll. He said,” open this Follow the maze and remember to read the scroll out loud.” He left and shut the door locked them in. There was no escape but to go through the maze. The light went a little bit brighter and a voice in my head said, “Read the scroll out loud.” I read it, “If you get through the maze you will complete the third level. **