Hall+of+Fame+12

Welcome to Your Mystery Story Page 2! Here is a new page to enter your fantastic new opening story lines, paragraphs, and soon full story. ​ This is also the place to post two stars and a wish about the other story staters, paragraphs, and stories you read. ** Two stars are positive things ** you see in the story and **your wish is constructive feedback ** on how to specifically improve the story. So, to recap....which means go over again, post your writing here after you've done some in class editing with your peers and then post it online for the world to see. The other people who are part of your team online, will post 2 stars (positive things) and one wish (constructive feedback to help make the writing better). Be kind, because after all, they will do the same for you!  ​ ​ Note: All stories and comments need to be on this page. Please do not use the discussion area for postings
 * The Man, Decklan, and Kopar333 **


 * The garbage monster**

by kopar33 Hot diggety dang Charlie look a that gooner over there in the garbage can. Lets go see who it is, sounds good. Holy it's the garbage monster (screaming) then before we knew it the army was there and they had the city blocked off so no one could get out unless they snuck and if they were caught the punishment would be horrible. So I ran as fast as I could back home cause I was afraid so I yelled as loud as I could MOM DAD where are you, and when they heard me they ran down stairs as fast as they could and just about fell half way down. What is wrong “the army is here and they blocked the city off you stay in side son I am going to try to resin with the main military man out there and see if we can get out ok but be careful. Ahahahah the monster is in the middle of the lawn run and hide up stairs in your bedroom and stay there until I come and get you. BOOM what was that holy the whole kitchen is gone and my chocolate muffin is gone why did they have to do this to me, why. I am going to kill that monster for what he made the military do to my chocolate muffin and my house if the army does not kill you or take you into custody and pres charges and then I will be happy but they will have to get me a new chocolate muffin. It has been six months and that is all the time I am going to give them time to get the big guns out and go hunting for the monster. Then as I was walking down the street the monster jumped out at me and attacked me with a bat so that is when I decided to attack back with the water pipe and he took three more hits to his head and two to the gut and that is when he went down and I took him into the military and they would be able to get out of the city and move to another city of a farm and would not have to put up with this again and he also got his chocolate muffin back and they moved to a farm.

Hi Kipar! One star I have for your story is that you used a bit of humour with the plot. The chocolate muffin was the prize in this story! I didn't realize that a character would love baking that much! A wish I have is that you'd explain through your character's actions why the army was blocking off the city and how the monster was connected to them. I wasn't sure how that worked. Thanks for writing. Mrs.Smith

Hi Kopar - I liked how you used familiar objects like the chocolate muffin in your story to add humour, and interest. Like Mrs. Smith, I was confused why the army was blocking off the city, and how the monster was connected in the story. I would love to read how these two things are connected, so I hope that you make the changes to your story. - Mrs. Eiten ​ ​

Hot digety dang Charlie look at that gooner over there in the garbage can. - Kopar333

kopar333-1 star it is very interesting and makes me want to read the whole story .2.you have good punctuation 1.wish you should make it in to a story. the Man

Hi Kopar333, it's The Man here. 2 stars- You added humour to it with the chocolate muffin comments. It was funny! I could tell it was original which is very good, good job! 1 wish- Due to lack of punctuation the story made little sense. (e.g. Periods, quotation marks, comas.)

**Misunderstanding** By The Man

A knock on the door, another one. I hesitated as I walked towards it. Another knock, only louder this time. I unlocked the metal bolt and slowly opened the door. In shock I saw a tall businesses man in a black suite standing in front of me. I opened my mouth to say something when the man cut me off. “You know why I'm here don't you, I'm here for you.” he said in a deep voice that I recognized but did not want to remember.

Hello The Man! One star I have for your story is the opening sentences. I know the character is hesitant to open the door and immediately I want to know why. Another star is for the great line, "You know why I'm here, don't you, I'm here for you!". I, as the reader, am hooked. Please keep writing. That is my one wish. Mrs. Smith

Hi The Man- 2 stars: I like how you made your self hesitate when you herd the knocks on the door and I could see a mental picture. 1 wish: I honestly think you should just keep on writing. - Decklan

Hi The Man, I loved how your opening paragraph pulled me into your story immediately. It made me ask many questions, like who were the men at the door, and why were they there. I hope that you finish your story soon, so that I will have my questions answered. - Mrs. Eitzen

My paragraph for the new mystery story. I was on a boat, headed for Alcatraz loaded with some of the most famous prisoners known world wide. We could see the San Francisco lights from miles away. There was a few minuets of silence as we all gazed at the stars. Just that second something hit the boat. I look around to see nothing that could have hit it. I felt something cold at my at my feet and when I looked down there was water that was up to my ankles. I ran to the door that led the upper layer of the boat. Prisoners had pick axes hitting away at there cufs and were running toward me. - by Decklan

Hello Decklan! One star I have for your story is the fact that you gave the reader a fact about Alcatraz by letting us know it was close to San Francisco. Another star is the fear I felt reading your last sentence. I know this plot could go one way or another right now and I wait to read the rest of the story! That's my wish. Mrs. Smith

Yo Decklan! 2 stars- It gave me an awesome mental picture, especially the line "There was a few minutes of silence as we all gazed at the stars." I thought it was very detailed and kept me interested. 1 wish- Write on, you r doing great. -The Man.

Hi Decklan, From your opening paragraph,I could easily picture the scene that you wrote about, you also added words and phrases that helped show rather than tell, such as "I felt something cold at my feet". I hope that you finish your story soon, so that I can finish reading it. - Mrs. Eitzen

The pancake

by.kopar333

ZOOM went the pancake mix truck with pancake boxes flying out of the back and a body flow out to and that is when the cops showed up and the ambulance got there second. Form there it was about ten minutes and the police left with about ten or so boxes and left the rest there and Ricky, Carlos and Ty-o went and got them all and put them in there closet and when they finished putting them all in the closets it all barely fit in it and when there mom found the boxes in the closet she through them all away in the dumpster and then when they went to take the garbage out they saw the pancake mix and the bugs and mice got in to it and it was all ruined. And that night some cops came back in there cruisers and where looking for the rest of the pancake mix and that is when they got mad and wet from house to house asking if they had any weird pancake boxes in there house or in there yard and no one seemed to have any of it so at the last house when the mom opened the door there was stome pancake mix on the ground so they walked into the house and followed the foot prints and it lead to the dumpster out side of the fence in the back ally and when they opened it that is when they made the bust and took all of the kids and the parents down town.

Hi Kopar - Interesting story idea, to have pancake mix as one of the main elements of your story. I wonder if and how the pancake boxes and the dead body are connected. Please finish your story, so I can find the answe to my question. - Mrs. Eitzen

Hi kopar, 2 stars- I really liked the story idea, it was fairly detailed. It was very original between the cops and the pancake mix. 1 wish, again due to lack of punctuation it made little sence.(You only had 3 periods, run-on sentences.) -The Man.

Hi Kopar333. 2 stars: I liked how your story was organized and how it gave a mental picture.1 wish: I think you should give a bit more detail so the reader can under stand it better. - Decklan

This is the rest of my story!

**Sinking**
 * By: Decklan**

“ **I have an idea!” I yelled.** “ **What is it?” One of my best friends asked.** “ **What if a few of us ran, if we can to the bridge. It's not under water yet. One of us will grab the flair gun well the other tries to send out a SOS.” I explained.** “ **Sounds OK to me,” the captain agreed.** “ **If the captain agrees we all agree,” the captains second mate yelled. We all struggled for what seemed like hours to get to the bridge. I grabbed the flair gun while the captain was sending out an SOS. I ran as fast as I could to the deck and was immediately hit with thousands of pounds of water that took me under. I pulled the trigger. The flair shot up in a big ball of red smoke. Then I realized that I was still sinking. I dropped the flair to take off some weight then I started to kick my legs franticly to swim up to the surface. Then I when looked down something big, green, slimy, with huge razer sharp teeth was pulling me down. I searched desperately to find something to help me. Then it hit me, I could use the flair gun because it had an extra canister. If I could shoot it at the bridge the crew would see the SOS coming from the gun and realize that I don't have to send two flairs out and will come looking for me. I picked it up and shot. Unfortunately it hit the bridge and the crew came out smoldering to see a red line coming out of the water. Then they realized that I must be in trouble because I hadn't came to the surface. Something sharp hit my leg and a sharp pain shot up my leg like a torpedo. I let out a scream of pain.** “ **Look!” the captain yelled. “ Get some guys down down there and help Duke!” I saw five things dive down into the water, and then I realized that they were my crew mates coming to help me. Something shot up and grabbed my least favorite person on the boat, Jim. The thing had him by the neck and was pulling him down. I tried to grab his leg but it slipped out of my hand and he was gone. Another sharp pain shot up my my legs. When I looked down both legs up to my knee caps were gone, one top of that I was being shredded by the second. After I was done staring down at my legs witch were being shredded I noticed an arm then a knife then I was being pulled up to the surface.**
 * I was a crew man on the ship The Starker, headed for Alcatraz loaded with some of the most famous prisoners known world wide. We could see the San Francisco lights from miles away. There was a few minutes of silence as we all gazed at the stars. Just that second something hit the boat. I looked around to see nothing that could have hit it. I felt something cold at my at my feet and when I looked down there was water that was up to my ankles. I ran to the door that led the upper layer of the boat. Prisoners had pick axes hitting away at their cuffs and were running toward me. I ran down the stairs to my other helpless sailors and sat on a barrel of water. Just then the prisoners all at once, came out of the upper layer. It turned out that they didn't want us, they were running and jumping into the water and swimming to what looked like rock. The so called rock was actually the famous prison boat Everest, [ the prisoners got caught]. That was the least of our problems****, now we were in waist high water and more was coming in fast.**
 * I took a long deep breath not recognizing that I had no legs. I tried to see if I could move my legs. When I figured out that I had no legs I immediately passed out.**

“ **Where am I?” I asked.** “ **You are in the Alcatraz hospital on the famous island...” he was saying until I cut him off.** “ **Alcatraz. Who are you?” I asked because he looked so familiar. He took off his hat.** “ **I am the..” he was saying** “ **Captain.” I cut him off again.** “ **Yes and can you stop cutting me off, it's starting to get on my nerves.” He said annoyed.** “ **OK.”**
 * When I woke up I was in a bed in a place I had never see in my life. When I looked at my legs to see if I had any, I did have legs but they were prosthetic. I sat up. In front of me was a man that I would say was in his early fifties and he had rust colored hair. He was wearing big thick winter coat a toque, mitts and thick ski pants.**

“ **I know what it looks like!” I yelled. They all turned and looked at me.** “ **What?” yelled a man that looked like he could lift up the whole island.** “ **Give me a piece of paper and I'll draw it,” I hollered.** “ **OK.” He ran up to me carrying a pencil and paper. After an hour or so I had a picture of the thing in full detail of what I saw.**
 * Later that day while walking around I noticed that not many people were walking around. They were all staring into the water to see what took the boat under.**

“ **An emergency, I think I saw what we were looking for.” I said out of breath. Everybody rushed out all at the same time and they were tripping over each other with rifles, axes, bow and arrows, and spears. After they were all done tripping over themselves I ran after them with a AK-47 that was just sitting on a table. A few minutes later I was at the beach staring at some of the most confused people ever and those people were all sailors.** “ **Duke there is nothing here, not even a ripple in the water.” said one of the sailors.** “ **But, I saw something it was big, green and looked exactly like the thing that took off my legs!” I pleaded. Then I saw something, a big long stick like thing that had scales and fins, it was swimming around ten miles out and it was huge. I stepped into a boat and started the engine and took off leaving the pleading sailors in the distance.**
 * That evening I was sitting on the shore of the beach when I saw a green hump rise to the surface then went back under. I rose to my feet and started running to a table where the captain, the big guy who got me the pencil and paper, and a whole bunch of other people were sitting.**

“ **What is it?” I took them by surprise.** “**Well we are not entirely sure but we know it's a cousin of an existing lockness monster.” The surgeon said.** “ **Ah, so you want me to go read some look it up on the computer and that kind of thing.” I said.** “ **Exactly.” The captain agreed. Later that day I was reading a book on the lockness monster and things that were related to it and I might have found the answer, but I was going to check the computer just in case. Ten minutes later I was staring at a computer screen and when I saw the name Rantom, just like the one in the book, I was the only person earth who had actually seen one live. I ran as fast as my new legs would take me and when I got back to the operating room they had taken the whole monster apart.** “ **I know what it is!” I yelled and took them surprise again. **  “ **What?” asked the captain. ** “ **Well it's indeed a cousin of the Lockness, it's name i****s Rantom. It's related to the lockness monster because of its unique shape and razer sharp teeth, the two look almost the same. It lives in the San Fransisco Bay ” I said with pride. **
 * Now I was only two meters away from the monster. I raised my gun and open fired about five million rounds into the thing. Then every thing was still. When I got back to shore I got into the biggest tug on earth. When I got back to the monster it was bobbing on the surface of the water. I grabbed one of the cables and tied it to the monsters mouth and took it back to Alcatraz.**
 * The next morning when I was looking for the crew to tell them what I had did, I found them in a lab with the monster on the table.**

“ **Well boy you did good. Now listen, I going to give you a break. If you want to I'll make arrangements for you to go to Mexico because when we report this to the media they will be all over you.” He eplained.** “ **Really.” I asked.**  “ **Yes.” He said. **  “ **No. I want to stay here and sail like I did before I had my legs taken off” **
 * Later in the afternoon I was walking on the beach when the captain came up to me.**

Hi Decklan. 2 stars- I thought it was very original and and creative. I liked how used fact, (lockness monster) and kept me very intrested. 1 wish- I thought that you skipped really fast from part to part a couple times, but other than that I thought your story was great. Good Job!! -The Man.

Miss Understanding. By The Man

A knock on the door, another one. I hesitated as I walked towards it. Another knock, only louder this time. I unlocked the metal bolt and slowly opened the door. In shock I saw a tall businesses man in a black suite standing in front of me. I opened my mouth to say something when the man cut me off. “You know why I'm here don't you, I'm here for you.” he said in a deep voice that I recognized but did not want to remember.

The tension in me was built up. In a shaky voice I replied “ Y-y- your not supposed to be H-h-ere, I-i-ll call the police!” I tried to make myself sound braver than I actually felt. But he could tell that I was a nervous mess. “I'm here for you,” he repeated. I tried the shut the door but he forced it open and stormed inside the house. “Get out!” I said in a bitter voice.

He was the sick man who kidnapped and brutally murdered my sister, his name is Andrew. I went to court so many times against that monster. Despite all my efforts he was never convicted, and pleaded not guilty, and now he is threatening me. “Get out!” I yelled. He seemed to make himself at home by sitting down on the couch. I ran into my bedroom to get the pistol that the police recommended I should get. I came back out and pointed it at him. He started to come towards me, but when he heard me switch the safety off, he backed away. “Get out!!” I cried again “I'm, I'm just here to tell you......” he started to say “What, tell me what? “ I didn't abduct your sister.” “Like I haven't heard that enough times!” I mumbled “No, I-ii know really.” He shuddered. “I didn't lay a finger on your sister, that is what I'm here about.” Still having the pistol pointed at him, I nodded my head signaling him to go on. “I admit, I was there that night when she was kidnapped. The Man who did it told me that since I saw him do it he would kill me if I told the cops, he had a gun, so I kind of had to. He made your poor sister bite me so her DNA was all over my leg. I'm sorry, believe me, please.” I nodded my head in improvement, lowered the gun and put it away. “But this doesn't mean were friends now, OK?” “ OK.” he replied. “ Will you help me find the real killer?” “ I will,” he replied sternly. He left the house after that. Gosh I was wore out I went to go crawl into bed. Just as I was closing my eyes I heard a car drive up and park outside somewhere on the street. Then I heard a rattling on the door. I suddenly felt a cold breeze on my face. I sat up in bed and saw a light coming from the kitchen. A wave of fear rushed through me, I reached into the drawer to get my pistol. I froze as I saw an police officer walk into my bedroom. “What are you doing here, did I do something wrong?” I suddenly realized that he was the officer who came into my house to check it over, and he was the one who recommended the gun. “Did I-ii do something wrong?” I repeated. “It's not you, but you do need to come with me.” “Ok, ok.” I sighed. When I stepped outside the font door I noticed that he wasn't driving a police car. Instead he was diving his own personal SUV from what it looked like. He told me to get in the back. When I got in I saw that except for the drivers door there was noway to unlock any of the doors directly. You could only unlock them from the drivers seat and from the keys. He started driving, as we started to get to the edge of the city, I asked him where we were going. He didn't reply. I asked him again. He replied in a hushed voice. “It doesn't matter.” “Well, it kind of does matter, did I do something wrong?” “You didn't, but you know something that no one can know.” “Now what is that?” I replied in a sarcastic voice. “You don't need to know.” “You can't hold me for something I don't know about, I'll make a complaint to department.” “This doesn't involve the police, this about personal issues.” The comment made me shut up for a while and think to myself. What does it mean, pers onal issues? “Tell me, now!” I ordered “You are getting on my nerves, so I will tell you!” he replied though gritted teeth. “That man that was at your house, he told you about the guy who stuck a gun in his face, and he was the one that took and killed your sister. Well surprise, surprise thats me!” he said sarcastically. “You bugged my house didn't you, you.....” I couldn't find a word to call him. “What are you going to do now!” “Well, that's just it, I don't know. Do you have any suggestions?” “Your not going to get away with doing this.” he didn't reply. There was silence for a couple moments as we gazed at the night sky. Suddenly I saw red and blue flashing lights behind us. “Talk and you die!” he said. Obediently he pulled over to the side of the road. The police car pulled up behind us and the cop stepped out of the car. I saw him stop behind the vehicle and record the license plate number, then he continued walking to the window of the SUV. “Good evening sir.” the officer said in almost a fake voice. “You realize you were going 130 back there in a 100 zone?” “Yes o fficer, he replied. Satisfied, he turned back to go write up the ticket in his car. But he stopped and looked at me in the back seat. “I see you have a passenger back there.” “Help me, please!” I cried. The man pulled a gun from the jockey box and pointed it at the officer. The officer went to draw his gun but the man shot him in the stomach. “That'll do.” he mumbled and then sped off. It went so quick, I hardly could recall what had just happened. “There going to be looking for me, there gonna get you and when they do your, your gonna be sorry.” All of the sudden I had this urge to scream and kick, do anything to get out of this horrible nightmare. So I did, but then I could fell the brakes come on. The SUV came to a complete stop and he got out of the vehicle, opened my door and punched me as hard as he could right in the nose. I let out a shriek of pain and crouched over to hold my wounded face. He shut the door and got back in. Slowly the car reached almost full speed. Probably about 8 minutes later he slowed down and put his left signal light on. We pulled in to what looked like an abandoned farm site with some type of ware house on it. He unlocked the doors and pulled me out gently. He walked me in through the big steel doors on the front of the warehouse and once we got in he bolted it about 4 times, each one was heavy metal, probably very difficult to get open. “Where are we?” I asked. “It doesn't matter,” he replied “Well it kind of does, are you going to keep me in here for long?” I asked stating to get impatient. “You better hope not long because if you don't die of thirst, well, I don't know what I'll do with you.” “Well come-on...” I stopped, not sure what to say. “Can I call you, uhhh, John, yea that's what I'll call you, Ok, John?” “Ok,” he mumbled “Your a cop right, your not supposed to hurt people your supposed to save them.” He didn't say anything. “You probably have a family at home that love you dearly, I-” he cut me off. “I did have a family, I had an amazing family, but your sister took that all away from me.” I could see his dark brow eyes start to tear up. “Please, go on.” I said in what I thought to be a comforting voice. “Your sister was threatening my family, and they were going crazy. Locking doors, never going out, always the blinds were closed. I was so stressed it forced me to start drinking, non-stop, it made me feel so much better. My wife took the kids and left, I lost total custody. I thought that if I became a cop she would think I'm a better guy and come back. But she just thought it was an excuse to drink and bully people without getting in trouble, but it's not, I'm telling you!” By now he was almost crying. “I understand, my dad was like that.” I was going to go into detail but he walked away. “Your a good man, please, just let me go. Please!” “No-can do.” he replied sarcastically. The room seemed to get darker as I dreaded more that I wouldn't get out of here alive. Thoughts were flooding my mind, so many I fell into a deep sleep. A couple hours later I woke up to a shuffling noise beside me. I opened my eyes and saw John putting a chain around my legs. “What are you doing?” I asked. He did not reply. WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?” I screamed in a voice that I did not recognize. “I'm sorry, it's time.” Once he had the chain securely around my already numb legs, he dragged me over on top of a big blue tarp. “I'm sorry.” he said again. His eyes were bloodshot he was wearing black laytex gloves. “I didn't want to do this.” “You don't have to!” I screamed. I suddenly started sobbing. “I have a family too you know. He pulled a gun out of his back pocket and pointed at me. “Just close your eyes and it will all be over.” “NO!” I screamed. I shut my eyes and heard a loud bang. I could not feel my legs, had he shot me? I opened my eyes and saw that the dark ware house seemed so much brighter. His gun was still pointed at me. I turned my head and saw 4 or 5 SWAT team members standing at the door way, they had blown up the steel doors at the front. Behind the SWAT team a person who looked like a detective, (probably was the one gave the commands to the SWAT team) walked up behind them. He yelled loudly “Put the gun down, or we will shoot!” “No, I won't,” he said uncertainly. “Just put it down.” I said to him quietly. “No!!” he said and his trigger finger tightened. I saw the detective lift his arm and whisper what sounded like “Scorpio” into his sleeve. One SWAT member called out one more time. “Put the gun down!” and after John's reply, “NO” the SWAT member raised his pistol and fired. The team rushed in, all guns still pointed at John. The officer put his finger on John's neck then declared him dead. The detective ran up to me and asked me if I was ok. I replied yes even though I was a little shaken. The detective put a blanket over my shoulders and took me to an ambulance to sit down and get looked at. A car pulled up and Andrew got out. “Are you ok, I'm so sorr-” He started “No, I'm sorry, I'm sorry for accusing you.” “No, it's ok. Let's get out of here.” “OK, but how did they find me?” I asked “They found the license plate number on the shot officers note pad and traced it back to here.” “Will the cop survive?” “Yea, it was just a gut shot.” he replied I asked the officer if I could go after I was done my statement, he said yes, then me and Andrew took off glad that it was over.

Hi the man. You are the man. 2 stars: I liked how you gave detail and made it so there was not so much that it was boring. I also could see mental picture and you showed rather than told. 1 wish: I think you should take out some of the violence in your story. - Decklan